The Honeymooners (TV Series)

Hello Mom (1955)

Audrey Meadows: Alice Kramden

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alice Kramden : Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her.

  Ralph Kramden : Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice!

  Alice Kramden : Ralph, Mother doesn't hate you, that's your imagination.

  Ralph Kramden : My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we were married and she went around telling that joke about me!

  Alice Kramden : What joke?

  Ralph Kramden : You remember, you remember the joke she went around tellin' everyone about me!

  Alice Kramden : No I don't remember, what joke?

  Ralph Kramden : Oh, yes, you do. She ran around the reception tellin' everybody "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton."

• Ralph Kramden : Well, let me tell you something, I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you!

  Alice Kramden : Ha ha!

  Ralph Kramden : Don't laugh Alice, there were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down to the beach they used to crowd around me.

  Alice Kramden : Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade!

• Alice Kramden : Listen, Ralph, you can scream all you want to, but I want you to get one thing straight: my mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house.

  Ralph Kramden : Your house? *Your house*? This is *my* house, Alice! M-Y house, my house! MY house!

  Alice Kramden : Oh, I am sorry, Ralph. I forgot, it *is* your house. You really have been very big-hearted, Ralph, sharing it with me, letting me live here with you in the lap of luxury like this. Don't think that I don't appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do. After all, where else would I get a beautiful home like this? This place, Ralph, you know what it is? It's a regular Disneyland.

  [looks out the window] 

  Alice Kramden : Look, Ralph. Look at this wonderful view that we have from the window. Look, see? Old man Grogan's long underwear hanging on the line, garbage cans in the alley, back of a Chinese restaurant. That's all part of my Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph. That's my...

  [Ralph groans] 

  Alice Kramden : That is my Fantasyland.

  [looks at sink] 

  Alice Kramden : Now, Ralph, over here, this sink, see?

  [turns faucet; dishes somehow clatter in sink] 

  Alice Kramden : Every time I go near that sink, Ralph, I never knows what's gonna happen. You know what the sink is? That's my Adventureland.

  [points to stove and icebox] 

  Alice Kramden : That stove and that icebox, that's Frontierland. There's only one thing, Ralph, that's missing from my Disneyland, only one thing: the world of tomorrow. I have *nothing* from the world of tomorrow.

  Ralph Kramden : You want the world of tomorrow, Alice? You want the world of tomorrow? I'll give ya the world of tomorrow!

  [holds up fist at Alice] 

  Ralph Kramden : You're going to the moon!

  Alice Kramden : Har-har-hardy-har-har.

• Alice : What am I supposed to tell my mother when you're not here?

  Ralph : I don't care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.

  Alice : What as, an elephant?

  Ralph : Oh, you're a riot, Alice. You are a regular riot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice. You know, you're the one who oughta join a circus. You oughta be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose.

  [He raises his fist at Alice] 

  Ralph : And you might get that before this is over!

• [the Kramdens have received a letter from their mother, saying she is coming for a short visit. Ralph thinks it's his mother-in-law] 

  Ralph : [to Alice]  Alice, your mother isn't setting one foot in this house. Not one foot or we'll never get rid of her!

  Alice : Ralph, it just said she was just coming for a short visit.

  Ralph : Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!

• Ralph Kramden : What are you doing with all this material, making a bed spread?

  Alice Kramden : No, I'm lettin' your pants out again.

  Ralph Kramden : Don't you, uh, think you let 'em out a little too much?

  Alice Kramden : I haven't started yet.

• Ralph Kramden : What are you doin' with all that material, making a bed spread?

  Alice Kramden : No, I'm lettin' your pants out, again.

  Ralph Kramden : Don't you uh... think you let 'em out, a little too much?

  [Ralph, showing Alice that she overdone his waistline, on his pants that she's working on] 

  Alice Kramden : I haven't started yet.