- Ralph Kramden: [Thelma the maid has been introduced to the Kramdens, and her appearance is not what Ralph expected] *This* is a maid? I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings.
- Alice: Ralph!
- Thelma: [speaking to the agency manager, indicating Ralph] The chubby one's gonna be trouble.
- Alice Kramden: I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!
- [Ralph and Norton are talking about the Kramdens' new maid]
- Norton: Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show? Va-va-voom! You know the maid we saw at the burlesque show? Is she like that?
- Ralph: What maid?
- Norton: You remember, the one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine.
- Ralph: Oh no, she's not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub.
- Thelma: Okay.
- Ralph: [screaming] I told you to stop saying "Okay"! It's "Very good, sir"!
- [pointing to Norton and himself]
- Ralph: This happens to be my guest, and I am your employer!
- Thelma: Hmm, some guest and some employer.
- [pointing to Norton and Ralph in succession]
- Thelma: The simp and the blimp!
- Ralph: How dare you say that to me!
- Thelma: I quit!
- Ralph: I'll call her what I used to call her before we were married.
- Norton: What's that?
- Ralph: Little Buttercup. Wait a minute, I didn't call her that; she called *me* that: Little Buttercup.
- Norton: [Norton giggles]
- Ralph: What's so funny?
- Norton: *She* used to call *you* her little buttercup?
- Ralph: Yeah! What's so funny about that, Norton?
- Norton: You were a little cup of butter; now you're a whole tub of lard!
- Alice: Thelma, what my husband meant was he just wants to explain your duties to you.
- Thelma: Oh, yeah, what I gotta do. And I might as well tell you right now: I can't do no heavy work. I'm sickly.
- Ralph: Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors...
- Thelma: I don't scrub no floors!
- Alice: You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors.
- Ralph: Now wait a minute!
- Thelma: You'll scrub the floor!. That's a man's work.
- Ralph: Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off!
- Alice: Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you.
- Thelma: And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one. If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.
- Alice Kramden: Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: "Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done."
- Ralph Kramden: [snootily] Good gosh!
- Alice Kramden: I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!
- Ralph: Don't start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family.
- Alice: Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn't work at all.
- Ralph: But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief.
- [Alice has insulted Ralph again]
- Ralph: Just be a little careful, Alice, a little careful. Remember, the life you save may be your own.
- Ralph Kramden: Is that a new shade of lipstick you have?
- Alice Kramden: No. I got a promotion today. Now I'm a jelly donut taster.
- Ralph Kramden: Oh, and look at those alabaster hands. How white and pure.
- Alice Kramden: That's powdered sugar.
- Ed Norton: I don't think the flattery is going so good. Why don't you try a left hook.
- Ralph: You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on "The $64,000 Question". And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!
- Ralph Kramden: What does a woman fall for better than anything else?
- Ed Norton: A left hook.
- Ralph Kramden: No. Flattery.
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