Home Improvement (TV Series)

The Vasectomy One (1996)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jill Taylor : Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.

  Tim Taylor : Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?

• Tim Taylor : A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?

  Jill Taylor : I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.

  Tim Taylor : How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land?

  Jill Taylor : "Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?

• Jill Taylor : Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said?

  Tim Taylor : Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah!

  Jill Taylor : Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.

  Tim Taylor : We did - in the car on the way home.

  Jill Taylor : All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.

  Tim Taylor : That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.

  Jill Taylor : [sarcastic]  I'll knit you a little sweater!

  Tim Taylor : You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there.

  [turns on the TV] 

  Jill Taylor : Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

  [turns off the TV] 

  Jill Taylor : I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children *ripped* from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?

  Tim Taylor : Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?

  Jill Taylor : Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead?

  Tim Taylor : No.

  [gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him] 

  Jill Taylor : You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met!

  Tim Taylor : This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers!

  [gets his jacket] 

  Jill Taylor : Who said anything about you being neutered?

  Tim Taylor : Certain experts I talked to.

  Jill Taylor : Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot?

  Tim Taylor : Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do!

  [walks out] 

• [Jill wants Tim to get a vasectomy] 

  Tim : I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.

  Jill : Well, I am talking about the tube-tying thing, except it's your tubes.

• Jill Taylor : Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.

  Tim Taylor : Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.

  Dr. Kaplan : Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.

  Tim Taylor : [pointing at his crotch]  Shave? Here?

  Dr. Kaplan : It's just a routine procedure.

  Tim Taylor : Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong?

  Jill Taylor : Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward.

  Dr. Kaplan : The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.

  Tim Taylor : Local like here in Detroit?

  Dr. Kaplan : No local like here in your scrotum.

  Tim Taylor : Oh boy.

  Dr. Kaplan : That does sting for a few seconds.

  Tim Taylor : You think?

  Dr. Kaplan : Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.

  Tim Taylor : Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement!

  Dr. Kaplan : You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.

  Tim Taylor : What? I can't drive? Forget about it.

  [gets up] 

  Jill Taylor : [gets up]  Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"

  Tim Taylor : [gets his jacket]  Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it.

  [opens the door] 

  Jill Taylor : It's just one day!

  Tim Taylor : Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman!

  [leaves] 

• Jill Taylor : So what d'you think?

  Tim Taylor : I think I have more questions.

  Jill Taylor : Okay, such as what?

  Tim Taylor : Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage?

  Jill Taylor : I don't think so.

  Tim Taylor : Could this count as your birthday present?

  Jill Taylor : Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.

  Tim Taylor : And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave?

  Jill Taylor : [laughs]  Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah.

  Tim Taylor : Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.

• Al Borland : You know, I think you're all being very insensitive. A vasectomy is a noble way for a man to take responsibility. Tim is making a very loving choice.

  Tim Taylor : Shut up, Al.

  Harry : What do you do, Al? Sit on the can all day reading Ladies Home Journal?