- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I see no reason why Colonel Hogan shouldn't watch a demonstration of German efficiency.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: But, But this is classified, General.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: He isn't going anywhere with the information, is he?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Of course not! No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: So you have told me... and told me... and told me!
- Kinchloe: How will I sign it?
- Col. Hogan: Oh, put a General's name on it. General...
- Newkirk: Why not make it General Nuisance?
- Col. Hogan: Very good idea. Sign that General Heinrich von Nuisance.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Building 12, what's in there, Schultz?
- Sgt. Schultz: Herr Kommandant, powdered milk, eggs, and cases of beer.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's not important.
- Sgt. Schultz: Beer is not important?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Move it somewhere.
- Sgt. Schultz: I could store it in my barracks.
- Newkirk: I've been dodging krauts all day. Some of them got pretty close.
- Col. Hogan: [wiping lipstick off Newkirk's cheek] Yeah, one of them even kissed you.