Bea Arthur credited as playing...
Dorothy Zbornak
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The most amazing thing about Grandma was that, in 1952, she decided to go into politics.
- Rose Nylund: Politics?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Uh huh, she felt it was her personal responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
- [pauses]
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because, you know, he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough. Already too many people eating meat on Friday
- [chuckling]
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: ... and wearing condoms on Saturday.
- Rose Nylund: Whatever happened to her?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sarcastically] She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was 6. She died, you idiot!
- Rose Nylund: How did she die?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go cart with two *really big* back wheels.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So Ma, what did you do today?
- Sophia Petrillo: The same thing I do every day, I bought a nectarine.
- Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
- Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
- Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
- Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.
- Rose Nylund: I'm so depressed. We didn't accomplish a single thing today.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Sure we did, we found out that in a pinch, fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.
- Rose Nylund: Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window?
- Blanche Devereaux: Oh, absolutely. I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of cold duck, and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just because of rain tapping at your window?
- Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I thought she said *Wayne*.