Frasier (TV Series)

Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (1996)

Jane Leeves: Daphne Moon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bebe : After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.

  Frasier : This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

  Bebe : [sarcastic]  Yeah, yeah!

  Frasier : No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?

  Martin : Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.

  Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.

  Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!

  Niles : There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

  Bebe : It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!

  Frasier : What is so wonderful about smoking?

  Bebe : Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!

  [Begins displaying innuendo] 

  Bebe : I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!

  [Frasier raises his eyebrow] 

  Bebe : Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!

  Daphne : [Visibly aroused, as are the others]  More potatoes, anyone?

• Bebe : [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door]  You're up early, Miss Moon!

  Daphne : God, you startled me!

  [laughs] 

  Daphne : Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.

  Bebe : Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.

  Daphne : Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.

  Bebe : Oh, can't I?

  [She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out] 

  Daphne : You open up right now!

  Bebe : All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?

  Daphne : No!

  [She runs to the other door; it's locked] 

  Bebe : [evil]  Oh, is it cold outside?

  Daphne : All right, you asked for it!

  [She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony] 

  Bebe : No, no! Please, I beg you.

  Daphne : Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!

  Bebe : Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!

  [opens door] 

  Frasier : [enters]  What the hell's going on out here?

  Bebe : [childish brat voice]  Daphne was smoking!

  Daphne : She made me!

• Daphne : Who's staying all weekend?

  Niles : Bebe Glazer.

  Martin : [worried]  Here?

  Martin : [worried]  What does she have to stay here for?

  Frasier : She's trying to quit smoking.

  Martin : [sarcastic]  Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

• [Bebe is being forced to quit smoking] 

  Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.

  Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes: bitch!

• Martin : Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money to throw around anymore. You're going to have to start cutting back a little.

  Niles : I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.

  Martin : Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" when Ma Joad did that.

  Daphne : You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.

  Niles : Coupons. Well, what a wonderful way to economize. Well, I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.