Frasier (TV Series)

Look Before You Leap (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : [singing]  East is East, and West is West and the wrong one I have chose! Let's go where you keep on wearing those-

  [forgetting words] 

  Frasier : da-da-dahhs, and boppa dohs, things and buttons, buttons and bows! Don't bury me, uh - lovely pea, something, la-la-laaaaa! Let's all go to a... taco show, and a how I love, such and thrush, blow my nose, You look great in buttons and bows! I love you in buckskin, la da-da da-da daaaa!

  [turns around and wipes his brow] 

  Frasier : Everybody! My bones denounce, the fearful trounce, and la-la la-la Moldic rose! Ba-da Seuss, a palm caboose, and a panda hop, and pantyhose, you look buppity, buttons and bowwwws!

• Frasier : Niles, you know I'm right.

  Niles : You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

  Frasier : [shaking a finger at him]  I most certainly am too!

  Niles : Your lips say "yes" but your cuticles speak volumes.

• Niles : You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

  Frasier : Oh, Niles...

  Niles : Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.

• Frasier : It may be an unwise man that doesn't learn from his own mistakes but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.

• Roz Doyle : His name is Gary. I don't know his last name. Anyway, we got to talking, and you know, we were really connecting. I started to believe in kismet. And all of a sudden, all these people want to get off the bus, and I'm in their way, so I get off to let them out, and before I can get back on, the damn bus drives off... out of my life, forever.

  Frasier : I'm sure another one would have come along in ten minutes or so.

  Roz Doyle : I'm talking about the guy.

  Frasier : So am I.

• Frasier : You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?

  Niles : Substitute a sixteenth-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.

• Frasier : Hippity-bippity-boppity-bow, something and something and buttons and bows!

• Frasier : As a matter of fact, this day only comes around once every four years. Hmm... You know, it's like a free day - a gift. We should do something special - be bold. It's leap year - take a leap!

  Martin : You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.

• Frasier : Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?

  Niles : Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.

  Frasier : Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.

  Niles : Your point would be?

• [Daphne enters with a horrid hairdo, sobbing] 

  Daphne Moon : Tell me the truth: Is it as bad as I think it is?

  Frasier : [carefully]  How bad do you think it is?

• [Niles abandons his decision] 

  Niles : I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!

  Frasier : You will rue the day!

  Niles : I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

• Frasier : [quoting "Maude Müller" by J.G. Whittier]  "For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."

• Frasier : Dad, why aren't you in Montana?

  Martin : Fifteen minutes out a flock of Canadian geese flew into one of our engines. They were the lucky ones. The next thing you know we're falling five-thousand feet; smoke-house almonds are flying everywhere; people are screaming and hugging each other; the guy in the next seat grabbed a-hold of my arm, and you know what? I didn't pull it away. Then our pilot comes one - our landing gear is out, we're going to have to make an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam. So, five HELLISH minutes later we're bouncing across the runway. Then, the stewadess comes on and says we're going to have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, head first into this sea of foam. The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the isle came barreling down the chute after me like a polyest avalanche.

  Frasier : My god, dad, I am so sorry.

  Niles : So, so these stewardesses, were they also covered in foam?

• [Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation] 

  Niles : Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.

  Frasier : Of course not. Just don't think about sex.

  [from the kitchen, making breakfast] 

  Daphne Moon : Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?

  Frasier : [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them]  Grandma in a teddy.

  Niles : Thank you.

• Frasier : Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.

  Roz Doyle : Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?

  Frasier : Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.

• Niles : Oh, and, by the way, thanks so much for the "cold shower" tip.

  Frasier : Did it work?

  Niles : No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tale, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.

• Frasier : How long are you going to stay mad at me?

  Roz Doyle : Until the day I get married.