Frasier (TV Series)

Frasier Loves Roz (1996)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Martin : [recording his memoirs]  My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground...

  [chuckles] 

  Martin : Pretty scary, huh?

  [he throws his head back and laughs evilly. Niles lowers the camcorder] 

  Niles : Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?

  Martin : All right, all right, I do.

  [Niles resumes filming] 

  Martin : Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...

  [he pretends to choke and die. Niles wearily turns the camcorder on himself] 

  Niles : Future generations, see what I had to put up with?

• [Frasier and Niles are reading, trying to find a way to circumvent Niles' obligation to keep Ben's intentions confidential] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm. Does he?

  Niles : No.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Damn!

  Niles : It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.

  [They slowly look up at each other] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Go on.

  Niles : Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.

  Niles : Borderline, borderline... Does she ever act delusional?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, she often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.

  Niles : Building, building... Does she display below-average intelligence?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel!

  Niles : Jackpot! Go to her! She's a threat to herself!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's amazing they even let the woman drive!

• Niles : I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, God.

  Niles : Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?

  Niles : Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh puh-leeze. A hundred and fifty...

  Niles : As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

• Niles : What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So, I ducked out of the conference, and who should I run into but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat-placenta treatments.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hmm... Good lord, is it placenta-treatment-time again, already?

  Niles : We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran; I tried to follow her tracks in the snow but, alas, she made none.

• Niles : Now serving one hundred and fifty one.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [turns to see]  Good God! He's here to see Roz?

  Niles : Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : That is the *last* man that Roz should be with!

  Niles : Don't worry: Knowing Roz, he won't be.