Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- [forced to make a toast at Niles and Mel's "wedding reception."]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Love... is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother, and the love of his life. For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I could not be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple!
- Daphne Moon: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
- Daphne Moon: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
- [laughing]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.
- [Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
- Daphne Moon: Positive.
- [Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
- Simon Moon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
- Daphne Moon: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
- Simon Moon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
- Daphne Moon: Make it seven-thirty.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, hear me now, this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two! This is it! Finished, finito! Non quam postea!
- Martin Crane: Uh-huh.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm waiting!
- Dr. Niles Crane: For what?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: An apology. For that unprovoked broadside you leveled at me.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You expect me to apologize to you?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Expect it, sir, and demand it!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, then, here's my answer: No!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No?
- Dr. Niles Crane: [heading for the door] No! And furthermore, why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair, and keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions, proposals, and recommendations to yourself?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I never!
- Dr. Niles Crane: No, you always!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: GET OUT!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier has sworn off helping Niles and Daphne anymore] I know I've made declarations like this before, but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar! You note the time on your watch!
- [points to his own]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: This - Is - It!
- Martin Crane: Well, if you figure out a way to get them back together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Have you been listening to me?
- Martin Crane: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.
- Dr. Niles Crane: What are you saying?
- Daphne Moon: What do you think I'm saying?
- Dr. Niles Crane: It sounds like you're saying you're sorry you did this.
- Daphne Moon: Maybe that's what I'm saying.
- Martin Crane: Oh, boy.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll regret...
- Daphne Moon: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth we wouldn't be in this mess! Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two weeks salary for a dress I'm apparently never going to wear,
- [to Niles]
- Daphne Moon: and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: This is all MY fault?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I AM WOUNDED! I intervened only out of love and caring about the two people who are most important to...
- Daphne Moon: Oh, put a sock in it! I am sick of listening to you yammering on about everything under the sun!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne...
- Daphne Moon: And I'm sick of listening to you, too.
- [to Martin]
- Daphne Moon: You got anything to say, old man?
- [Martin, wide-eyed, says nothing and holds his hands up placatingly]
- Daphne Moon: Good!
- Dr. Niles Crane: You know, if you look at it from Mel's point of view, it really does make a lot of sense.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne stops and slowly turns around. Frasier looks at Martin] He came so close.
- Daphne Moon: What did you say?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I said "Damn that Mel".
- Daphne Moon: No you didn't. You should have, but you didn't. It sounded to me like you were taking her side.
- Dr. Niles Crane: All right, all right. Can we just turn the clock back two minutes and pretend this conversation never happened?
- Daphne Moon: Why don't we just turn it back to ten minutes before my wedding and save everybody all this trouble?