Frasier (TV Series)

A Tsar Is Born (1999)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all watching "The Antiques Roadshow."] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [coming back from the kitchen]  Dad, did we miss anything?

  Martin Crane : Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.

  [They all laugh] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : We're not Romanovs. We're descended from thieves and whores.

• [SPOILER] 

  Dr. Myshkin : Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You mean, you're just going to take it?

  Dr. Myshkin : Well, it's rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum.

  Dr. Niles Crane : But this clock has been in our family for generations...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!

  [Frasier motions him to stand in front of the door] 

  Dr. Myshkin : Dr. Crane, we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win. Do you really want this to come out in the press?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, do you expect us to just let you walk out of here with a precious family heirloom?

  Dr. Myshkin : Did I mention that your ancestor, before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, worked as a prostitute in New York?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : ...Enjoy your bear.

• Appraiser : [the guys are watching "Antiques Roadshow" and playing a drinking game]  The real clue here is the veneer.

  Martin Crane , Dr. Frasier Crane , Dr. Niles Crane : Veneer!

  [they all take a sip of alcohol] 

• Dr. Niles Crane : [watching the Antiques Roadshow with Martin]  It's amazing, he used the term 'craftsman' and meant it in the architectural sense instead of the rotary sander.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That's uncanny.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well you heard him.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, that you used the term 'rotary sander'.

• Dr. Niles Crane : I am so sorry, but on the way in, I had the most amazing celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [thrilled]  The loveseat expert?

  Dr. Niles Crane : The very same.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Get out!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well Niles, how goes the research?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, I think you're going to be very pleased. According to this catalogue of Russian antiquities, the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles. I just discovered that our great-great grandmother emigrated from Russia... in 1879!

  Dr. Niles Crane : My God, it's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Our great-great grandmama, smelling revolution in the wind...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Secretly slips away in the black Russian night...

  Dr. Niles Crane : Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of better days.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes! The ticking hands of time counting down her return, her royal power merely hibernating.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Our cousin Dotty's wedding was last week... oh, excuse me, Cousin Dotty's "weddin'". A Western theme. On the response card, it asked for our chili preference: "mild" or "kick-ass."

• [Martin, Frasier, and Niles are excited to attend "The Antiques Roadshow"'s appearance in Seattle] 

  Martin Crane : Yeah, I'm going to go and have a little root around in our closet. I bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'd be interested in.

  [He exits, leaving Frasier and Niles stunned by his correct French pronunciation] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.

  Daphne : Would you marry me in this?

  [Daphne enters wearing Donny's mother's wedding dress, which looks like it belongs on a go-go dancer. Niles nearly faints] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [whispers]  How much did you give him?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Roz is on a laptop]  Oh, what are you up to?

  Roz Doyle : Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.

  [Frasier sighs at the idea] 

  Roz Doyle : What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.

  Roz Doyle : There's your dad.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [turns away]  Don't let him see me!

• Dr. Myshkin : Yes, that was her plan, but when Sonia found her way to the train station under the cover of night, the scullery maid absconded with everything, including the clock.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Servants!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : There's a back, aching for the lash!

  Daphne : I'm moving as fast as I can!