- [Ted and Dougal are holding up protest signs]
- Father Ted Crilly: Down with this sort of thing!
- Father Dougal: Careful Now!
- Father Ted: What's that your looking at, father?
- Father Jack Hackett: What?
- Father Ted: Is that a film?
- Father Jack Hackett: What?
- Father Ted: Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
- Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
- Father Ted: Is that Flatliners you are watching?
- Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
- Father Jose Fernandez: Is Father Jack a little short of hearing?
- Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
- Father Ted: To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this...
- Father Ted: Father Jack, would you like a brandy?
- Father Jack Hackett: Yes.
- Father Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
- Father Ted Crilly: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.
- [to Father Hernandez about Jack]
- Father Ted Crilly: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
- Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.
- [Bishop Brennan is holding a poster for "The Passion of St. Tibulus" with photos of Ted, Dougal and Jack apparently endorsing the film]
- Bishop Len Brennan: There's you, there's Forrest Gump! And there's Father Jack actually watching the film!
- Bishop Brennan: The amount of people's lives irreparably damaged!
- Father Dougal: They were only nuns.
- Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too!
- Father Ted Crilly: Your grace, this isn't really my area.
- Bishop Len Brennan: Nothing is your area Crilly, you do not have an area, unless it's a kind of a play area with sandcastles and buckets and spades.
- [In their shop, John is trying to get past his wife, Mary, who is slicing vegetables]
- John O'Leary: Are you gonna stand there all day, ya fat oul' bitch!
- Mary O'Leary: Don't talk to me like that, ya big pile of shite!
- [He brushes past her roughly]
- Mary O'Leary: Ya ignorant prick!
- John O'Leary: You watch that mouth of yours!
- Mary O'Leary: I'll watch nothin'!
- [She points the knife at him]
- Mary O'Leary: I'll stick this up your arse!
- [Dougal walks in to the shop. Mary hides the knife behind her back]
- Mary O'Leary: Ah, Father!
- [John and Mary smile ingratiatingly at Dougal, a perfect couple, once again]
- Father Ted: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
- Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.