Dermot Morgan credited as playing...
Father Ted Crilly
- Father Ted Crilly: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
- Father Dougal McGuire: A shower of bastards.
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, have you been drinking?
- Father Dougal McGuire: Yes Ted, I've been drinking like a mad eedjit!
- [Winks at Fr. Stack]
- Father Dougal McGuire: I mean no, I haven't.
- Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
- Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
- Father Ted Crilly: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.
- Father Ted Crilly: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
- Father Dougal McGuire: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
- Father Ted Crilly: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.
- Father Fintan Stack: [Smugly] Yes I am!
- Father Ken Dillon: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
- Father Fintan Stack: [Still smug] If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
- [Father Ted, Father Rory and Father Ken look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Door opens, sending beer cans everywhere. Dougal staggers in, he is drunk]
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, where did you go?
- Father Dougal McGuire: [Slurred] Ted! How are ya?
- [Lunges forward and hugs Ted, who pushes him away]
- Father Ted Crilly: [Shocked] Dougal, what the...
- Father Dougal McGuire: Guess what, Ted?
- Father Ted Crilly: What?
- Father Dougal McGuire: [Confused] What?
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, have you been drinking?
- Father Dougal McGuire: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit!
- [Puts his arm around Ted]
- Father Dougal McGuire: No no, wait wait...
- [Winks at an amused Father Stack]
- Father Dougal McGuire: ... No, I haven't!
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
- Father Dougal McGuire: [Shaking Ted] Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest.
- [Drunkenly unenthusiastic]
- Father Dougal McGuire: We're all going to heaven lads, wahey.
- Father Fintan Stack: [Quietly amused] Perhaps I should explain. Your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
- Father Ted Crilly: [Outraged] Well, this is the last straw!
- Father Dougal McGuire: [Holding some car keys] I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable...
- [Collapses, dropping the keys. Father Stack retrieves them]
- Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
- Father Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
- Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.