- Father Dougal McGuire: I just want to ask you a question.
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh, not again, Dougal. Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love...
- Father Dougal McGuire: No, no! No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted, I just wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife?
- Father Ted Crilly: Do I what?
- Father Dougal McGuire: Do you believe in an afterlife?
- Father Ted Crilly: Well, Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted.
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like "collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?
- [Dougal sits in Jack's Chair and pretends to be him]
- Father Dougal McGuire: [shuts his eyes, mimes smoking a cigarette] Feck off. Gimme lots of drink, ooh! Arse! Feck! Drink! Feck off. Ooh, Ted, you big fool.
- [Dougal is asleep on the floor beside Jack's coffin, while Ted looks out a window...]
- Father Ted Crilly: It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight.
- [Scene fades to stock footage of snow on trees]
- Father Ted Crilly: It's probably snowing all over the island, on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living and the dead...
- [Snow footage fades out to show Jack standing beside his coffin!]
- Father Jack Hackett: SHUT THE FECK UP!
- [Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal...]
- Father Dougal McGuire: [Looks down at Ted lying on the floor] Ted! What's wrong?
- [Turns to Jack]
- Father Dougal McGuire: Father Jack, did you see what happened?
- [Looks back at Ted]
- Father Dougal McGuire: Ted?
- [Turns back to Jack]
- Father Dougal McGuire: What happened, Father Jack? Wha...
- [Finally realises what's happening and faints as well!]
- Father Dougal McGuire: Ooooo!
- Sister Monica: [talking to a black priest] I think it's absolutely great to see. I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African church, in bringing the faith to the people. It's just wonderful. It's marvellous, isn't it?
- Donegal Priest: [Irish accent] Sure, I wouldn't know, I'm from Donegal.
- Father Dougal McGuire: If you're the solicitor then I'm boy George
- Father Dougal McGuire: [in room with coffin] Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon. You come and go. You come and go.
- [after a meeting with Father Jack's solicitor, who they refused to believe was a solicitor because she was a woman]
- Father Dougal McGuire: How's your head, Ted?
- Father Ted Crilly: [has a plaster over his eye] Not too bad. It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she Ted?
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh, and the language out of her! You wouldn't hear it from a docker.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
- Father Ted Crilly: Effin' this and effin' that.
- Father Dougal McGuire: It was worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
- Father Ted Crilly: Now, Dougal!
- [at Father Jack's wake]
- Father Jim Sutton: [wailing hysterically] Oh, why him, Ted? Why is it always the good ones?
- [looks upwards, shakes his fist at God]
- Father Jim Sutton: You bastard!
- Father Ted Crilly: Now, Father!
- Father Jim Sutton: He could have been Pope, Ted! But the fecking Jesuits, they have it all tied up!
- Father Ted Crilly: Yes, yes.
- Father Jim Sutton: Imagine, Ted, a Polish pope! It should have been Jack! But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know!
- Father Ted Crilly: [looking at the seat of Jack's armchair] Would you ever look at that, it's completely bald. Smooth as a baby's behind.
- Father Dougal McGuire: You'd know all about that, Ted.
- Father Ted Crilly: [shocked] What?
- Father Dougal McGuire: You know, when you're baptising them, the babies.
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh.