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- Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
- Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
- Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
- Brian Griffin: I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
- Charles Foster Kane: [on TV screen] Rosebud.
- Peter Griffin: [video cuts to Peter] It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There I just saved you two long boobless hours
- Peter Griffin: You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.
- Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, think about what you are doing.
- Peter Griffin: I am. Your honor, Brian will be a great dad. Hell, if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
- Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
- Peter Griffin: And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
- Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
- Peter Griffin: And Meg's real father's name is...
- Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
- [Meg doesn't hear this because she's listening to a personal stereo]
- Lois Griffin: Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry, honey, I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top... uhh, Sean Hayes, oh, you get the picture.
- Lois Griffin: Please?
- Carter Pewterschmidt: No!
- Lois Griffin: OK. You know, maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us?
- Lois Griffin: He'd love to, Daddy.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: That sounds dynamite.
- Country Club Member: [at a wine tasting session] Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
- Peter Griffin: [very drunk and stark naked] Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off!
- [Carter Pewterschmidt groans angrily]
- Peter Griffin: Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
- [cut to flashback]
- Peter Griffin: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
- [Peter clicks the mouse; a fist flies out of the monitor and punches Peter in the face]
- Brian Griffin: [Seabreeze is about to give birth to puppies] You're almost there, Seabreeze. Oh, and also, uh, I didn't bring this up before but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!
- Peter Griffin: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt...
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [to Lois] Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the Premier of China and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [introducing Peter to his friend Bill Gates] Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department.
- [Gates punches Peter to the floor]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Ah, just kidding! He's a fisherman or some stupid thing.
- Michael Eisner: [flying through the sky with a jetpack] Man, the people look like ants from up here.
- Bill Gates: They are ants, Michael! They ARE ants!
- Lois Griffin: Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax.
- Stewie Griffin: Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
- [cutaway to Stewie in a gay disco full of muscular men dancing shirtless]
- Stewie Griffin: [shouting over the music] I know the guy that owns this place!
- Man: What?
- Stewie Griffin: I said, I know the guy that... oh, I'll you later, I love this song!
- [Stewie grooves to the music]
- Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
- Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
- [cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
- Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
- Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
- [he slaps him and walks on]
- Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, everyone.
- Lois Griffin: Hi, Daddy.
- Peter Griffin: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Did Peter have a stroke?
- Lois Griffin: No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?
- [he lights a cigarette and stubs it out on Peter's chest]
- Peter Griffin: That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.
- Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
- Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
- Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
- Joe Swanson: You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm going to start right now.
- [turns to Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol working at his desk in the corner]
- Peter Griffin: Cratchit! You're working through Christmas!
- Bob Cratchit: But sir, what of Tiny Tim?
- Peter Griffin: Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.
- Brian Griffin: [whistles] Here, girl.
- [Brian throws a dog biscuit, then sniffs the dog's butt. Then he looked at people surprised and cross]
- Brian Griffin: Sorry. I... I thought I smelled... cookies.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Well, I'm gonna turn in.
- Michael Eisner: Me too. I've gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.
- Motel Clerk: This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here.
- Roach #1: Hey! You're on our turf, man!
- Roach #2: Hey, man! I cut you! I cut you up so bad, you gonna ... you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad!
- Brian Griffin: Those are bad roaches.
- Motel Clerk: I blame the schools.
- Lois Griffin: [the Griffin family have come to visit Mr. and Mrs. Pewterschmidt] Hi, mom.
- Barbara Pewterschmidt: Oh, look at you all. I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking.
- Meg Griffin: Thank you, Nana!