Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • ...
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Tom Tucker • God • Rufus Griffin • TV Announcer • Greg Gumble • Craig T. Nelson • NBC Assistant • Mr. McCloud • Kidnapper • God's Assistant
- [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
- Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
- Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: GOD
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: IS
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: PISSED.
- [the Griffins are being terrorized by the Biblical Plagues]
- Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
- Peter Griffin: Good, 'cause this is really starting to get old.
- Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.
- Peter Griffin: Oh no, Stewie!
- Brian: The *first* born son.
- Peter Griffin: Meg!
- Brian: [flatly] Your wife.
- Peter Griffin: Chris!
- Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
- [White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
- Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
- Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah.
- Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
- Lois Griffin: [seeing Peter's "followers" building a golden statue of him] Oh, my God!
- Peter Griffin: [slyly] Yes?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not funny.
- Peter Griffin: [about the Golden Idol his followers have built of him] Wow! I look like an Emmy!
- Peter Griffin: [pause] Hint, hint.
- [Stewie's bath turns to blood]
- Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
- Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
- [brief pause]
- Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
- Steven C. Callaghan: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
- Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
- Peter Griffin: Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big phony, like the Moon Landing or Marky Mark's hog at the end of Boogie Nights.
- Chris Griffin: Dad, when you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to Mom.
- Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie.
- [Catches the problem]
- Peter Griffin: Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
- [Beat]
- Peter Griffin: And that.
- NBC Employee: [Pitching a TV show idea] How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!
- NBC Assistant: [the executives murmur in agreement] Do you guys hear yourselves? This is the same old crap over and over again. We need to take a chance. Try something different. Something fresh.
- [the head of the network walks over, picks up a poster for "Just Shoot Me", and proceeds to beat the assistant over the head]