- Peter Griffin: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at when you're talking to them.
- Peter Griffin: [Peter returns from the women's retreat] Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
- Brian Griffin: Peter, you're...
- Peter Griffin: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories! But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
- Chris Griffin: Oh my god, Dad's a chick!
- Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
- Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
- Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
- Gloria Ironbox: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
- Lois Griffin: You... bitch!
- Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Griffin, I am Gloria Ironbox. I represent Sarah Bennett one of your co-workers who is filing sexual harrassment charges against you.
- Peter Griffin: Sarah... Sarah... Oh! Is she one we videotaped taking a dump?
- Peter Griffin: Boating's in my blood, ever since my great-great grandfather Huck Griffin rafted down the mighty Mississippi.
- [cutaway to Tom Sawyer's Huckleberry Finn]
- N-Word Jim: What did you just call me?
- Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
- N-Word Jim: That is our word! You've got no right using it!
- Huck Griffin: Hey, hey, hey. I'm cool, I'm cool. No problem. Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim?
- N-Word Jim: Thank you.
- Gloria Ironbox: I teach a workplace sensitivity training class for the Women's Action Coalition. If Mr Griffin completes my course, we'll drop the lawsuit.
- Mr. Jonathan Weed: I assure you, Peter will be there.
- Gloria Ironbox: His job depends on it.
- Peter Griffin: [to Ms. Ironbox] You know, if I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, one of these days I'm gonna need to use the mirror.
- Peter Griffin: Oh beans, I can't get this spit curl to... Wait a minute. Lois, what day is it?
- Lois Griffin: Thursday.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Oh God, I am late!
- Lois Griffin: Well, if you spent less time fixing your hair...
- Peter Griffin: No, I mean I am 'late' late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
- Lois Griffin: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
- Peter Griffin: Well, I don't have a lot of options, I'm Catholic! God, I thought you would be happy for me!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
- Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
- Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
- Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
- Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
- Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
- Joe Swanson: Hey neighbors! Where's your boat?
- Lois Griffin: We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. Hop in!
- Peter Griffin: Urine happens to be very edgy, but I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that.
- Peter Griffin: First of all, if I can speak in my own defence, all I did was tell a little joke. Second of all, women are not people. They are devices built by the lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies.
- Gloria Ironbox: I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, just a housewife. Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. And I choose to be a wife and mother. And now, I'm choosing to end this conversation.
- Stewie Griffin: If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn;t need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calendar. That's right. I went there.
- Peter Griffin: Wah, wah, wah. C'mon, it's only childbirth. How much can it hurt?
- Julie: Peter, it's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck.
- Miss Watson: Women are conditioned to be competitive with other women when we should be supportive. Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you. But you are a beautiful person. I am here for you. Notice how I'm making physical contact with her in order to establish a connection.
- Peter Griffin: I think you'd make even more of a connection if you hugged her too.
- Miss Watson: Very good, Peter. That's true.
- Peter Griffin: That's it. Now rub her back. Okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah, comfort her. Yeah, oh, yeah yeah, you like that, don't ya? Yeah, it's ok, it's ok to like it. It's very natural. Okay, good. Good, now smell her a little.