Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • ...

He's Too Sexy for His Fat

Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Dr. Elmer Hartman • Jabba the Griffin • Barnaby • Old Yeller • Officer • Eskimo Father

Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do - learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Stewie Griffin: [while checking out motel room with a blacklight] Let's see... Oatmeal! Spittle! Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.

Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

Peter Griffin: Trust me, Chris, sometimes it's better not to fit in.
[Cut away to Peter, dressed as a clown, walking with a troop soldiers in a jungle]
Peter Griffin: You're all stupid, They're gonna be *lookin'* for army guys.

Lois Griffin: [Stewie is in a turtle-shaped pool float in a swimming pool at a motel] Jump in, honey. Don't be afraid. The turtle will keep you safe.
Stewie: My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?

[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.

Lois Griffin: Oh my, tomatoes are $3.99 a pound. That's so high! Isn't that high? That seems so high!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, this is interminable. I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go. I mean, really, what could possibly happen if you left me home by myself?
[cut to the house, where he's having a party with a group of Playboy Bunny-like girls]
James Caan: Great party, Griff.
Stewie Griffin: Girls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home.
James Caan: Hey, thanks.
Stewie Griffin: [he punches one of the girls in the face] I meant have a cheese doodle, but whatever, it's a party.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you... you infantile... stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can... burn in hell...
[falls asleep]

Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.

Brian Griffin: [after Stewie's high chair collapses under his weight] Aw... Orson fall down?

Warren Fredericks: Excuse me, sir, what is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line?
Peter Griffin: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Warren Fredericks: [chuckling] Warren Fredericks, Quahog Beautiful People's Club. Come on in front.
Peter Griffin: [being led to the front of the line] But-but all-all those people were in front of me.
Warren Fredericks: You haven't been beautiful very long, have you? Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait in lines. Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. You know, come to think of it...
[cut to the house, where he answers the front door]
Girl in a Scavenger Hunt: Hi. I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I need a human foot.
Peter Griffin: Well, as a rule, I would say no, but okay, come on in.
[taking out a coping saw, he starts cutting at his foot]
Peter Griffin: So, uh, so, this is what? This is for, like, a school project or some... ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Lois Griffin: Brian, are you okay?
Brian Griffin: [gnawing at his arm] Okay? Ha-ha! Okay? I'm covered in fleas, lady. I'm losing it here!
Peter Griffin: [coming in] Get a hold of yourself.
Lois Griffin: [getting slapped in the face] Ow! Peter, you're supposed to hit Brian.

Meg Griffin: Hey, Brian, flea collars are on sale.
Brian Griffin: Uh, too many chemicals. This year, I'm gonna try a more natural alternative.
[cut to a doctor's office, where he screams as acupuncture needles are inserted into him]
Brian Griffin: Sorry, Dr. Ling, I guess I'm just nervous. This whole thing is a little weird.
Dr. Ling: [appearing Asian, with an Irish brogue] Ah, never you fear, laddie buck. I've been doing this all me life. You see, the reason your fleas are drawn to ya is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi, or what we call in my country... wee fung chow hu.
Brian Griffin: Hey, Doc, you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?
Dr. Ling: [cut to two boxes labeled "needles" and "poison-tipped needles"] Why? What do they say?
Brian Griffin: [sitting up] I think we're through here.

Warren Fredericks: Peter, good to see you. Come with me. I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet.
[seeing Chris]
Warren Fredericks: What's that?
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's my son, Chris.
Warren Fredericks: He can't come in. He's fat.
Peter Griffin: Well, let me tell you something, buddy. If my son can't come in, then I'll just come in.

Peter Griffin: [at a motel pool] Hey, Chris, aren't you coming in?
Chris Griffin: Uh, can I swim with my shirt on?
Peter Griffin: No, you can't swim with your shirt on. Wait a second. What are you hiding under your shirt? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois, what did you do to my son?
Lois Griffin: Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this.
[loudly]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey, look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing.
Lois Griffin: [grabbing his pectoral muscle, he starts licking his nipple] Stop it!

Peter Griffin: Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you.
Warren Fredericks: Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square. Of course, if that wasn't there, it would've opened anyway because you're beautiful.

[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!