Jason Alexander credited as playing...
Eric Duckman
- Eric Duckman: [looking out his window] Look, the traffic copter sky babe! Hey mama, how 'bout landing on my zero-niner? I'll wear a windsock!
- [the copter crashes]
- Eric Duckman: Just goes to show: You need to use all your fingers to fly a copter.
- Eric Duckman: [to three busty women] I look at breasts. Y- and, I, I'm a detective. Hehe. But mainly the breast thing.
- [women: "Oh cool!"]
- Eric Duckman: [to Cornfed] It's times like this I wish I had a penis.
- Eric Duckman: Great Caesar's gumble, Corny! Can you believe it? $200 for a parking ticket!
- Cornfed Pig: You parked in a handicapped space.
- Eric Duckman: So what? No one ever notices, except the people who are supposed to park there, and hell, I can outrun them any day.
- Cornfed Pig: Extra police are here because the president is touring the neighborhood today. Perhaps they thought you looked suspicious.
- Eric Duckman: Suspicious? Me? Don't be ridiculous.
- [opens BItter Crazed Loner magazine]
- Eric Duckman: Voters want to know about me, and there's only one movie that can tell 'em what really happened out there- mine! On USA.
- Bernice: USA? Are they on at night?
- Eric Duckman: Are you kidding? Dozens of people watch USA.
- Eric Duckman: [to a reporter asking if he's a pervert] Listen, bucko: The ability of a nation to protect its leaders is its pride, its manhood. At the moment in question, I held the president's manhood in my hands, and I don't mind tellin' ya: It felt great! Does that make me a pervert? You decide.
- [to himself]
- Eric Duckman: Let's see 'em twist THAT out of context.