- Laura Petrie: You know what your problem is? You're just too much in love with yourself.
- Sergei Carpetna: Right. And even I'm not good enough for me.
- Sergei Carpetna: [introducing himself] Sergei Carpetna.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, you're... oh, you're the, uh, perpetrator of this painting, huh?
- Sergei Carpetna: Well, I've never heard it quite expressed that way, but I guess I am, yes.
- Rob Petrie: It'd be a crime to destroy a beautiful painting like that. It would also be a crime to deprive you of the money you've struggled so hard to earn with your work.
- Sergei Carpetna: That was a very good sentence. Come on, come on. Continue, continue.
- Laura Petrie: Listen, Sally, if it's the one I think it is, I can explain.
- Sally Rogers: If you have to explain, it's the one you think it is.
- Rob Petrie: [trying to figure how Sally's phone call upset Laura] Honey, there... nothing the matter with you? Are you...? You're not gonna have another...
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob! Would Sally call and tell me THAT?
- Laura Petrie: [posing for her portrait] My husband is gonna be so excited.
- Sergei Carpetna: That peasant. What does he know? Jokes, he writes for Milton Berle.
- Laura Petrie: No, Alan Brady.
- Sergei Carpetna: What's the difference. He's a jolly jokester, a peasant. He should kiss the ground of a girl like you.
- Laura Petrie: Well, I love him.
- Sergei Carpetna: So you're a peasant, too.
- Sergei Carpetna: I've already had three offers for it.
- Rob Petrie: Three?
- Sergei Carpetna: Mm hmm. There's a South American millionaire, wants it for his mansion on top of a mountain in Brazil.
- Rob Petrie: That's a wonderful place for it.
- Laura Petrie: I wanted a painting for Rob, a picture of me exactly the way I look in this outfit!
- Sergei Carpetna: For that kind of a picture you take a camera, you go to Central Park, you get on a pony and snap your brains out.