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- Buffy Summers: Now, you're sure you're up to this?
- Willow Rosenberg: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.
- [the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality]
- Rupert Giles: It's extraordinary.
- Willow Rosenberg: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... And I think I'm kinda gay.
- Buffy Summers: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
- Angel: Well, actually...
- [pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him]
- Angel: That's a good point.
- Buffy Summers: Are you okay in that?
- Willow Rosenberg: [dressed as Vamp Willow] It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.
- [looks down into her low-cut shirt]
- Willow Rosenberg: Gosh, look at those!
- Willow Rosenberg: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
- Xander Harris: Will, we saw you at the Bronze... A vampire.
- Willow Rosenberg: I'm not a vampire.
- Buffy Summers: You are. I-I mean you-you-you were... Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
- Rupert Giles: Well, uh, something... something, um, very strange is happening.
- Xander Harris: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
- Buffy Summers: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
- Willow Rosenberg: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.
- Devon MacLeish: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
- Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
- Devon MacLeish: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
- Willow Rosenberg: [impersonating Vamp Willow] This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
- Percy West: [bumping into Vamp Willow] Hey... Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.
- Vamp Willow: Bored now.
- [shoves Percy across the room]
- [first lines]
- D'Hoffryn: Do not ask again.
- Anya: But... But, I...
- D'Hoffryn: Your powers were a gift of the lower beings. You have proved unworthy of them.
- Anya: I was robbed of them.
- D'Hoffryn: By your carelessness.
- Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe. And now I'm *stuck* at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.
- [last lines]
- Buffy Summers: You wanna go out tonight?
- Willow Rosenberg: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.
- Buffy Summers: You know, you can OD on virtue.
- Willow Rosenberg: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. I mean, she messed up everything she touched. I don't ever wanna be like that.
- [Percy, who had previously been attacked by Willow, actually Vamp Willow, when he insisted on her doing his homework, walks up]
- Percy West: Hey. Uh, hi.
- Willow Rosenberg: [still thinks she has to do his homework] Oh, hi, listen, I didn't have a chance...
- Percy West: Okay, so, I did the outline for the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. Um, and I know they're kinda-kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and - and here's the bibliography. Um, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on that.
- [Percy leaves, then comes back with an apple for Willow, then leaves again]
- Buffy Summers: You wanna go out tonight?
- Willow Rosenberg: Nine sound good?
- Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
- Willow Rosenberg: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in *Hell*?
- Xander Harris: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
- Willow Rosenberg: Uh-huh.
- Buffy Summers: See, I told you. Old Reliable.
- Willow Rosenberg: Oh, thanks.
- Buffy Summers: What?
- Willow Rosenberg: Old Reliable? Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname.
- Buffy Summers: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
- Willow Rosenberg: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
- Xander Harris: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
- Willow Rosenberg: That's Old Faithful.
- Xander Harris: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
- Willow Rosenberg: That's Old Yeller!
- Buffy Summers: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
- [discussing the ethics of boyfriend stealing]
- Cordelia Chase: And, okay, it isn't even like I was that attracted to Xander. It was more just that we kept being put in these life or death situations, and that's always all sexy and stuff... I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser, but that doesn't make it okay for you to come around and...
- [notices a bored-looking Vamp Willow staring at her]
- Cordelia Chase: What? Do I have something on my neck?
- Vamp Willow: Not yet.
- Willow Rosenberg: [impersonating Vamp Willow] A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this?
- [screams]
- Anya: [speaking at same time] Sure. Yeah. Humans do that. Yeah.
- Alfonse: [speaking at same time] Yeah. Yeah. I think yeah.
- Faith: Are you serious about this place?
- Mayor Richard Wilkins: Of course I am. No Slayer of mine's gonna live in a flea-bag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there.
- Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing.
- [Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing Vamp Willow]
- Willow Rosenberg: This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
- Xander Harris: Not looks like... is.
- Buffy Summers: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
- Willow Rosenberg: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
- Xander Harris: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
- Buffy Summers: Oh, yeah.
- [Giles raises his hand]
- Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... S-Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
- [no one looks surprised]
- Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
- [takes another look at her]
- Angel: Wait a second...
- Xander Harris: We're right there with you, buddy.
- Buffy Summers: We saw her, too, at the Bronze.
- Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
- Buffy Summers: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.
- Willow Rosenberg: [to Buffy about Principal Snyder] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his.
- Rupert Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the mayor's files.
- Willow Rosenberg: [cheerily] Okay.
- Faith: Thanks, Sugar Daddy.
- Mayor Richard Wilkins: Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man... Now, let's kill your little friend.
- [Faith strides into the library, followed by a winded Wesley]
- Faith: [sarcastically] Well, that was a blast.
- Rupert Giles: How did it go?
- Faith: Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up.
- Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
- [Willow and Vamp Willow meet for the first time]
- Vamp Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
- Willow Rosenberg: What do I want with you? Uh...
- Vamp Willow: Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here... She said that you could get me back to my world.
- Willow Rosenberg: Oh... Oh! Oops.
- Buffy Summers: So he threatened you? With what?
- Willow Rosenberg: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.
- Vamp Willow: You made me cranky.
- Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.
- Vamp Willow: Really? Who do you work for?
- Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.
- [Vamp Willow breaks one of Alfonse's fingers]
- Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
- Alfonse: Wilkins. The mayor.
- [Vamp Willow breaks another of Alfonse's fingers]
- Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
- Alfonse: You.
- Vamp Willow: Get your friends. Bring them here. The world's no fun anymore. We're going to make it the way it was. Starting with the Bronze.
- Anya: Uh, Willow?
- Willow Rosenberg: Uh, hi.
- Anya: Anya. I'm sort of new here. Um, I know Cordelia.
- Willow Rosenberg: Oh, fun.
- Anya: Yeah. Um, listen, I-I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if...
- Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog geyser person.
- Willow Rosenberg: [impersonating Vamp Willow] Okay, let's get to the killing. Why don't we start with her?
- Anya: Why don't we start with you? If she's a vampire, then I'm the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
- Buffy Summers: I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but... she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.
- Buffy Summers: Now, you're sure you're up to this?
- Willow Rosenberg: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.
- Willow Rosenberg: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
- Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.
- Willow Rosenberg: That-That-That wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I don't think you're telling me everything.
- Buffy Summers: [doing crunches while white magic Willow is making a pencil spin in midair] The Watcher's Council shrink is heavy into tests. He's got tests for everything. T.A.T.s, Rorschach, associative logic...
- [grunts, then sits up]
- Buffy Summers: He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices, or you ever wanted to be a florist.
- Willow Rosenberg: Ooh, I used to want... Wait. Florist means crazy, right?
- [looks back at her pencil]
- Willow Rosenberg: I never wanted to do that.
- Buffy Summers: [Buffy looks at the pencil] Neat.
- Willow Rosenberg: Thanks. It's all about emotional control. Plus, obviously, magic.
- [looks at Buffy]
- Willow Rosenberg: Hey, you wanna go to the Espresso Pump and get sugared up on mochas?
- Buffy Summers: I'm gonna pass. Hit the pool and do some laps.
- Willow Rosenberg: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff?
- [giggles]
- Willow Rosenberg: Buff buff!
- [Vamp Willow, dressed in Willow's clothes, storms into the Bronze, and heading for Willow, she throws Oz and Devon out of her way]
- Willow Rosenberg: No more snuggles?
- [her demonic alter ego punches her, sending her flying into the drum set]
- Willow Rosenberg: [impersonating Vamp Willow] She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating... She's always letting people walk all over her, and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.
- Willow Rosenberg: [entering Bronze disguised as Vamp Willow] Hi! I'm back!
- [realizes she's not acting like Vamp Willow and puts on a more serious expression]
- Alfonse: Did you find the girl?
- Willow Rosenberg: Yep. I did.
- Anya: Where is she?
- Willow Rosenberg: I killed her. And sucked her blood... .as we vampires do.
- Vamp Willow: [has just shoved Percy after he tried to intimidate her; he's landed on the pool table and done a reverse somersault to the floor] I'm having an awful night.
- [grabs Percy by the neck and hauls him to a standing position]
- Vamp Willow: You want to make it better?
- [Percy struggles and grabs her neck, both uselessly]
- Xander Harris: [addressing some onlookers to Percy and Vamp Willow's altercation] What's going on? Is there a funny thing?
- [Sees what he thinks is Percy attacking Willow and rushes over]
- Xander Harris: Back off!
- [throws Percy to the floor]
- Xander Harris: Stay the hell away from her!
- Percy West: Okay - sure!
- [scrambles away]
- Vamp Willow: Xander!
- Xander Harris: Will.
- [taking in her black-leather-and-frill outfit]
- Xander Harris: Changing the look not an idle threat with you.
- Vamp Willow: You're alive!
- [starts hugging Xander]
- Xander Harris: Ah, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here. Don't want to fall back into bad habits...
- [Vamp Willow's arms slide all the way down his back]
- Xander Harris: Hands!
- [steps back]
- Xander Harris: Hands in new places!
- Vamp Willow: You're *alive*.
- Xander Harris: You mentioned that before. Will, are you okay?
- Vamp Willow: [sadly] No. Everything's different.
- Buffy Summers: [walking up] There you are.
- Xander Harris: Hey, Buff.
- Buffy Summers: Aren't you going to introduce me to your... holy god, you're Willow.
- Vamp Willow: [to Buffy] *You*
- Buffy Summers: You know what? I-I like the look. It's..um... it's extreme, but it looks good, you know? It's a leather thing. And, uh...
- [to Xander]
- Buffy Summers: I said "extreme" already, right?
- Vamp Willow: [menacingly] I don't like you.
- Buffy Summers: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know my foot likes to live in my mouth, but you know, you really didn't have to prove anything.
- Vamp Willow: Leaving now
- [turns away]
- Xander Harris: Will, gotta say, not loving the new you.
- Xander Harris: So, uh, what do we do now?
- Rupert Giles: We still have to get to the Bronze.
- Angel: Well, even if they're supposed to wait for her they may start feeding. Vampires are not notoriously reliable.
- Xander Harris: [Hopefully] So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?
- Rupert Giles: High casualty risk. I haven't any other plan, though.
- Buffy Summers: [Raises her hand] Uh, I have a really bad idea.