- Jethroe Collins: I'm glad someone read my book, I thought I was the only one who bought a copy.
- Mike Brady: No, it was a very interesting book, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. No I think you're gonna be able to help us with our son, Bob.
- Jethroe Collins: I've been thinking over what you told me on the telephone. I feel sure I can straighten out that boy of yours.
- Mike Brady: I think you're going to find this gentleman very interesting, did you know that his father actually knew Jesse James?
- Bobby Brady: He did? Wow am I glad to meet you!
- Jethroe Collins: I hear Jesse's a hero of yours.
- Bobby Brady: I wrote a whole composition about him for school.
- Jethroe Collins: I wrote a whole book about Jesse James, only he wasn't a hero to me.
- Bobby Brady: He wasn't?
- Jethroe Collins: Nope, Jesse James killed my father.
- Jethroe Collins: Jesse James killed my father.
- Bobby Brady: He did?
- Jethroe Collins: Shot him in the back, that's how he usually shot them, too cowardly to face them I guess.
- Bobby Brady: I can't believe that, Mr. Collins.
- Carol Brady: He's telling the truth, Bobby.
- Jethroe Collins: Son, you know the legends, I know the facts.
- Mike Brady: Mr. Collins, why don't you tell Bob about how it was with your father?
- Jethroe Collins: Well, I was just a little boy at the time. My father was riding a train to California, Jesse James held it up.
- Bobby Brady: Did they have a shootout?
- Jethroe Collins: Well, wasn't much of a shootout, my father had his face to the wall, his hands in the air, and not wearing a gun.
- Bobby Brady: Then why'd Jesse James shoot him?
- Jethroe Collins: Because that's the kind of man that Jesse James was, a mean dirty killer. My mother used to cry about it in her sleep. When I was old enough to understand, I used to have nightmares about it myself. Awful nightmares, about that train robbery.
- Mr. Hillary: 'My Hero by Robert Brady: My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the 3 Musketeers. He was a great American, and his name is Jesse James.
- Mike Brady: Jesse James?
- Carol Brady: The outlaw?
- Mr. Hillary: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, turn them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.
- Carol Brady: I'm really surprised at Bobby.
- Mr. Hillary: Well don't be, Mrs. Brady, look at what's happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children.
- Mike Brady: Today's criminals will probably be tomorrow's folk heroes.
- Mike Brady: Bad news?
- Carol Brady: He didn't say, but when the principal calls, is it ever good news?
- Bobby Brady: You're supposed to be on the train.
- Cindy Brady: No I'm not, now I'm the posse hunting you down.
- Alice Nelson: Salt, pepper...
- [reaches in cookie jar]
- Alice Nelson: cookies... cookies?
- [takes empty cookie box out of cupboard]
- Alice Nelson: Cookies! Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies!
- [writes down grocery list]
- Carol Brady: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.
- Mike Brady: And we won't be gone long.
- Alice Nelson: Okay, Mr. Brady.
- [pause]
- Alice Nelson: Principal? Which principal? Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where?
- Cindy Brady: [chasing Bobby into the kitchen where Alice is mopping] Jesse James, you're under arrest!
- Bobby Brady: No way, you can't arrest me here.
- Cindy Brady: Why not?
- Bobby Brady: I just crossed the Rio Grande River, THIS is Mexico.
- Alice Nelson: Well vamoose you caballeros, because all of Mexico is going to get mopped up.