Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : [to Richie] How's your sausage?
Richie : [looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
[points at frying pan]
Eddie : Yes?
Richie : You're asking me about my sausage?
Eddie : Sausage, yes?
Richie : Not my penis?
Eddie : [astonished] No!
Richie : Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!
Eddie : Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
[Richie looks disgusted. Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]
Richie : Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!
Eddie : Can I drink your juice?
Richie : [looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
[knocking on the front door]
Eddie : Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!
Richie : Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
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Richie : Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set!
Eddie : Sprouts Mexicain?
Richie : [gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!
Eddie : What's that?
Richie : Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!
Eddie : *Sprouts*?
Richie : Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
[taps his bottom]
Richie : Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!
Eddie : But it's October!
Richie : Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
[Oven explodes]
Richie : Hey, they must be ready!
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[Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub]
Dave Hedgehog , Spudgun : Hello, Eddie.
Eddie : Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.
Dave Hedgehog , Spudgun : No.
Eddie : Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[he hands them pans, they fill them]
Eddie : Hmmm, cheers!
Dave Hedgehog , Spudgun : Cheers!
[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]
Spudgun : Oooh! Cheeky little number!
Eddie : That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!
Dave Hedgehog : Possibly medical.
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Dave Hedgehog : [the four all wake up after eating the Sprouts Mexicain] Are we in hell?
Richie : No, no it's worse, we're still in the flat!
Dave Hedgehog : Well, where's the devil then?
Richie : Well, he'll be turning up at midnight, won't he?
Spudgun : Why does he always come out at midnight?
Eddie : Well, it's chucking out time, isn't it?
Richie : Shut up, shut up, look! Regard the clock! Here it comes, here it comes and...
[the clock strikes midnight with an audible clunk]
Richie : Bloody clock!
[Three slow, loud knocks resonate from the front door, all the boys scream in terror as jets of flame propel from their rears, finally the flames die down]
Richie : That'll be him!
Eddie : Hey, hey! Speak of the devil!
Richie : I don't want to hear any language like that, young man! And I don't want any of you going round saying "Hi, feeling horny?" This is the big one, alright? This is Mr Scary-Pants! God, just think. In twenty-five years I'll probably have no knob left from overuse!
Eddie : So what's new?
Richie : Right, best behavior everyone. No, worst behavior, actually! Start swearing and picking your noses and stuff!
[Another flame jet from his rear]
Richie : God, what a night to have Guy Fawkes bottom!
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Richie : [the electric cattle prod had backfired on Richie for the third time ruining his tights again] Eddie, you know this is my last pair of tights, don't you?
Eddie : [Wafting the air] Yeah, well, come on, let's go this way. As long as we head into the wind we'll be alright.
Richie : Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...
[Eddie checks Richie's tights]
Richie : No, no not that! Oh, come on I've got to get home.
Eddie : What do you mean? We've only made half a Curly-Wurly, two apples full of razor blades and four summonses! That's not enough for a party, is it?
Spudgun : You having a party? Can I come?
Richie : Yes, we're having a party, but everyone's got to chip in a bit for the beer money.
Spudgun : How much?
Richie : Five grand.
Spudgun : Bit steep.
Eddie : How much you got?
Spudgun : [Taking money out of his pockets] £2.50.
Eddie : You're in.
Richie : And bring all your friends, as well, and they've got to bring beer money as well, £2.50. Come on, Eddie, we're gonna make a fortune out of this!
[They head on home]
Richie : Let's go find a supermarket trolley and you can wheel me home. Bloody cattle prod! I don't know how these cattle get about! I tell ya, it's no wonder they all live in the country!
Eddie : I can't see anymore! Mind if I go in front?
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Eddie : I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife.
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Richie : I'm going to raise the devil. Matter of fact, I haven't been to church for years! And when I did go I found it rather boring!
Eddie : Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do if he gets here?
Richie : Well we'll do something satanic and devilly, won't we?
Eddie : What, like trick or treating?
Richie : No, like...
Spudgun : Watching Emmerdale!
Richie : No, no!
Dave Hedgehog : Taking him down the pub?
Richie : No, no, no, it's gotta be something supremely evil.
Eddie : What, like blowing off in a phone booth and running away?
Richie : Yes, yes, that' much more the feel.
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Richie : Alright, just on this one occasion, you can be a talking Halloween banana.
Eddie : Okey dokey! What do I say?
Richie : You say "Trick or treat? Just cash, no sweets." And if they give us any trouble at all, I give them a quick blast with the electric cattle prod. Where is it, by the way?
Eddie : [cackles and lifts up the cattle prod from behind the sofa] Here it is!
Richie : I say, Eddie, that looks the business. Does it work?
Eddie : Why, yes indeedy!
Richie : [imitates jabbing someone with the cattle prod] Yeah! Yeah! Right, how do you switch it on?
Eddie : It's just that little lever there.
Richie : This one here?
[Richie activates the cattle prod, but it backfires on him, eventually causing him to loudly defecate in his tights]
Richie : Well, that's it, decision made. I'll have to wear the green tights now!
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Dave Hedgehog : What does the Devil drink?
Spudgun : Blood, isn't it?
Eddie : Virgin's blood.
[Nervous looks from all]
Richie : No no no, it's virgin *girl's* blood.
[Relieved sighs from the others]
Richie : Good, that's sorted, so anyone know any virgin girls?
["No" from all]
Richie : Anyone know any girls?
["No" again]
Richie : Oh come on, Eddie, what about Ethel Cardew, your paramour?
Eddie : She is neither a virgin, nor technically speaking, a girl. Besides which she hasn't been speaking to me since the superglue incident. Hasn't been speaking to anyone much actually.
[Motions sealed mouth]
Richie : Shut up, Eddie, shut up. This is a bloody good idea! All we've gotta do is find out the secret incantation, raise him up, swing the deal and Bob's your uncle! I'll be shagging by half-past two! Eddie, you make a pentangle, I'll go and look up the secret devil-raising incantation in my Ladybird Book of Witches. Come on, look lively, I'll buy you all a drink after me first shag!
[Jet of flame from his rear]
Eddie : Anyone got any pens?
Dave Hedgehog : I've got a pencil.
Eddie : It'll have to be a penciltangle then.
