- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That is definitely not Puerto Rican coffee. Who made this?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I did.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Tastes like it was made yesterday.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What time yesterday?
- Det. Phil Fish: I'm going to give you some advice, next time call MADISON 8 - 5642
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's the fire department
- Det. Phil Fish: She in heat, isn't she.
- Det. Phil Fish: How are you ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Ah, I don't know yet. Last night, a fortune cookie said I was going to have a rotten day. But ,this morning, my horoscope said it was going to be beautiful. So, who are you gonna believe -- the Chinese Baker or the New York Times.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know, I went to a cop show last night, saw them kill a couple dozen guys, didn't bother them at all
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's 'cause they didn't have to be there when the lights went out.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, Barney do you have anything to read? The P.A.L., took away all the magazines
- Capt. Barney Miller: Here you are, the Auxiliary Uniform Crime Report from the FBI
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, come on , come on, come on.
- Mayflower: Say man !, since when is it a crime to come to the defense of a lady and try to protect her honor ? Since when ?
- Det. Ron Harris: When you push her trick out of a second-story window.
- Mayflower: Man, Don't tell me chivalry ain't dead ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Look, baby, you can call it whatever you want to, but up here its called felonious assault .
- Det. Ron Harris: Don't give me details, man. I'm talking about principle
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sit down before you fall off your shoes.
- Mayflower: Chuck me that phone, I'm about to call my main man.
- Det. Ron Harris: 12th Precinct, Detective Harris... Yeah, Just a minute, Liz... Barney, it's your wife
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hey, Liz , What's up ?... What are you doing downstairs?... You all right?... Ah, yeah... Bring him up... Liz made a citizen's arrest
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Who'd she collar ?
- Det. Ron Harris: A mugger, eight year old, with a pointed stick
- Det. Ron Harris: He's just out of diapers
- Capt. Barney Miller: He came out armed
- Truman Jackson: Hey, brother. let me go
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, I can't do that. I mean, you broke the law. And now, it's my duty to inform you that anything you say can be held against you
- Truman Jackson: You ain't no brother.
- Det. Ron Harris: That too. Sit down.
- Capt. Barney Miller: 12th Precinct, Captain Miller speaking... Yeah, go ahead. Chano 10-30 in progress
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right, Barney.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hamilton Bank 11th Avenue, right. Call dispatch, get a couple of cars
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right... Chinese Baker every time...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nick .
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'll be out in a minute
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, we got a Bank Robbery
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Can't help you
- Elizabeth Miller: Inside... Excuse me... Is this homocide ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, ma'am, this is Detective Harris, Detective Yemana, of the Goon Squad. What can we do for you ?
- Elizabeth Miller: I'd like to make arrangements to have this boy sent to prison .
- Truman Jackson: Come on lady, I was only jivin'. It wasn't my stick anyway.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's your name ?
- Truman Jackson: Truman Jackson, I'm only 7 1/2
- Elizabeth Miller: He's 8
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: All right, uh... , the facts, please, ma'am
- Elizabeth Miller: Well, I was riding in an elevator at the house of a friend when this boy got on the elevator and pointed this me and said "this is a stickup".
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well-put
- Elizabeth Miller: And then he asked me for all my money
- Truman Jackson: Well, she didn't give me any ? Then she took my stick That's robbery ain't it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Jackson. All right. Harris... book him
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Come on... Let's go.
- Elizabeth Miller: Do you think I can have a cup of coffee ?
- Elizabeth Miller: Oh, I hate to see him go to jail. I just -- just couldn't let him go
- Capt. Barney Miller: You let use handle it
- Elizabeth Miller: What are you gonna do ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Work him over with a rubber hose.
- Elizabeth Miller: Now seriously, what are you going to do ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Were just gonna shake him up a little bit. Relax.
- Det. Ron Harris: What's your telephone number ?
- Truman Jackson: Man, I ain't got no phone.
- Det. Ron Harris: Where do your parents live?
- Truman Jackson: Man, I ain't got no parents
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, who do you live with ?
- Truman Jackson: Grandma and Grandpa
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah.
- Truman Jackson: Am I going to prison?
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah yeah, you got to go to prison
- Truman Jackson: For how long?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, that's up to the judge, Judge Meanie. He's known as the "hanging judge"
- Truman Jackson: You jivin' me ?
- Det. Ron Harris: No, man that's the absolute truth. The last little dude that held a lady up in a elevator got 18 years. That was from Judge Goodie
- Truman Jackson: Do I get him?
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh no, he's sick
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Mayflower just dock it here. I got to get my key.
- Mayflower: Well, well, I see you finally got your hands on "Mr Big"
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man look -- the little brother started out on the wrong path , we're trying to show him the light so don't blow it, you dig ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Any help you can give us will be duly noted on your RAP sheet and the District Attorney will be so notified . Do I make myself clear?
- Mayflower: Say no more and open the door !... What's happening, baby ?Ah, You're one of those tight-lipped cats. What'd you do, soul brother?
- Truman Jackson: Holdup
- Mayflower: You in the big time. Better get some rest, 'cause it long trip up the river !
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Two armed men, one with a shotgun, one with a handgun, shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if someone didn't get inside.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Apparently, someone did?
- Det. Phil Fish: Chano, killed both of them.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Afternoon, men. Hi Woj. Hi Ron. Hi Barney. I just got word down at headquarters -- that stickup at the Hamilton Bank. It says two hoodlums were killed in the attempt -- is that about it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: It was unavoidable. They were heavily armed. They had hostages. Chano had no choice
- Inspector Frank Luger: No, huh ? Eh... Well, Chano, so you went in. You did what you had to do, huh? Don't worry I know how you feel. Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off ? Go see a moving picture.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh...
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, sure. That's what I used to do.I'd go to Radio City Music Hall see a good movie, good stage show -- you know, them Rockettes with the legs
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Inspector, maybe I just better stick around here working
- Inspector Frank Luger: Well, some of the guys like to do it that way, yeah. You know, they like to get right back in there again before freeze up. You do whatever feels right, Whatever works for you. Some of them Rockettes have been there 30,40 years at the music hall. Not the same ones, of course, you know. They have to replace them from time to time. The legs-- the legs that goes on them first
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, I know
- Inspector Frank Luger: Chano, I want to tell you, you did a hell of a swell job. Incidentally, if it's going to make you feel any better, you'll probably get a medal for it. I'm going to put you up myself personally.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: A medal ? Hear that Barney. Left here this morning , I was nobody. Two shot later I'm going to get a medal. You here that guys. No sense staying around here, huh? May as well go to Radio City Music Hall, maybe pick up a few Rockettes, a bottle of champagne and celebrate. A medal, huh? How do you like that ?
- Truman Jackson: Please, man, isn't there any way I can get out of this mess ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, let's see now, you could, uh... throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
- Truman Jackson: That pretty lady ain't no witch.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah ?
- Truman Jackson: And it's my stick ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: And ?
- Truman Jackson: I'm never gonna do nothing like that again
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay ! See, Judge Meanie said that if you confessed, I could let you go.
- Truman Jackson: No Stuff ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No Stuff ! Harris, turn him loose.
- Truman Jackson: Bye Little Richard . Sorry I can't have dinner with you.
- Mayflower: That's all right Truman. Don't worry about it. Just remember what I told you ? Use your brains, and... a stick is uncool
- Truman Jackson: ...A stick is uncool.
- Det. Ron Harris: Truman... Officer Harris here is going to take you home. No handcuffs.
- Truman Jackson: Goodbye, everybody
- Det. Ron Harris: Come on, little brother. Let me give you a ride.
- Truman Jackson: You gonna tell my grandpa what happened ?
- Truman Jackson: I got to.
- Truman Jackson: Man, you ain't no brother.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well. how you sports doing ?
- Truman Jackson: I'm hungry !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Your hungry ?
- Mayflower: I told him we'd eat as soon as we get to Sing-Sing.
- Truman Jackson: I don't want to go to no Sing-Sing.
- Capt. Barney Miller: should've thought of that before you held up the pretty lady ?
- Truman Jackson: You can't believe nothing that pretty lady say. I think she's a fibber.
- Capt. Barney Miller: How do you know that ?
- Truman Jackson: She live in our neighborhood, and she's always telling lies about kids who got sticks. I think she's a witch. Isn't that right, Little Richard ?
- Mayflower: Oh, yeah ! She lies just like everyone else. We're the only ones, who tell the truth. That's why we're going to Sing Sing .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nick , how did we fix the supplementary follow-up reports ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Their filed under 'S'... or 'F.U.'... or "R"
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Never Mind, never mind
- Inspector Frank Luger: Harris. Good Morning Barney
- Capt. Barney Miller: How are you ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hi, Yemana, Fish... Wojo... Where's Amenguale ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Took a couple of days off .
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh, good... good... good... I just as glad he's not here anyway Barney.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why, what's the matter ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Amenguale is not going to get the Medal of Valor for April, they're giving it to someone else
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's going to tear him apart .
- Inspector Frank Luger: That's what it's doing to me Barney. There going to give some cop in another division for pulling two kids out of a burning building... and a dog. How do like them apples? They said they didn't want to make a big deal of a cop killing two hoodlums.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I know how you feel.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Thank's Barney. Look, look... tell... tell, Amenguale, not to feel to bad about it. You know, if he's lucky, he'll probably get another shot at it. Hey, pardon the pun, huh. Ain't like the old days Barney. In the old days, old racket squad, they use to have respect for cops in the those days. Me and Forrester... Kleiner and Brown. Anybody, want to go down to the candy store, get a Charlotte Russe ?
- Mayflower: What's your name ?
- Elizabeth Miller: Mayflower
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
- Mayflower: New pimp in the neighborhood.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just what we need -- another social director