- Jilly Papalardo: You know, there are some woman, men can't never get out of their system
- Det. Phil Fish: Maybe someday, they'll find a laxative.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Wojo, you can't evacuate an whole city because a sewer backs up. You take shorter breathes and quicker steps
- Det. Ron Harris: Look, the man is talking about a national emergency, not local, uh, slap and tickle
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Boy , you guys aren't going to believe this one. There's 11 million people in this city, right? There's nothing in here on how to get them all out
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, we're gonna have a hurricane and they're evacuating all the beach areas of Long Island
- Det. Ron Harris: It's no wonder man, with all that raw sewage, just hangin' around there off-shore.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They're expecting 40 foot waves.
- Det. Ron Harris: Ooh-whee ! Talk about high-tide.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, suppose all that stuff blew into the harbor and... and got all over Manhattan. That would be a disaster, wouldn't it ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Depends upon your point of view.
- Officer Callahan: Well, here's your APBs, Interdepartmental communiques, your directives, your our assorted official garbage. Oh, yeah !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: A big war, a nuclear war, and we had to evacuate the whole city
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, come on, Wojo, there's not going to be anyway, man. I mean, it just doesn't make any sense economically, psychologically, or geographically
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, it doesn't have to be a war, it could be an earthquake
- Det. Ron Harris: It's a pretty slim chance, man
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: But it's a chance, you know Harris, things have a way of happening, just all of a sudden, when... when you least expect it when you least expect it. Right, Fish ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Right !
- Officer Callahan: Okay, what's the book say ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The book don't say nothing about getting people out ! It says to put them down in the subways
- Officer Callahan: You can't get no 11 million people in the subways
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You can at 5 o' clock
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hello Callahan , what do we got today ?
- Officer Callahan: Ah, the usual... the usual. We got your bulletins, we got your hot sheets. So that's the way it is, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: What way is that ?
- Officer Callahan: I mean, we're all sitting ducks , trapped here on the island
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's better than the South Bronx
- Officer Callahan: You think you got a future one minute, and the next thing you know, they drop one of those H-bombs on your head, and that's all she wrote. Damn it, I should have bought one of that cabin in Jersey.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I wouldn't worry about it Callahan? If we're ground zero, everything from here to Philadelphia goes
- Officer Callahan: How far has a guy got to go ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Detroit... .
- Officer Callahan: Really ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. That's why General Motors picked that place, man. They can't be risking all them cars.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, Wojo, you're getting obsessed with that. Now, will you put that thing away and get to work on something you can do something about .
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay Barn, but I would just like to know the procedures, in case the sirens go off.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What siren ? We don't have a siren.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's suppose to be a siren up on the roof
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, suppose there is a siren up there and suppose it does go off. Then we will cooperate with the Civil Defense Department, do whatever they say because it is there ball game
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There is no more Civil Defense Department, Barn. The city couldn't afford to keep it going any longer.
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, y-you've unearthed the problem and you've reported it to your superior officer. Will you let me handle it. File that !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Harris, I'm afraid we got a woman with a past
- Det. Ron Harris: I'll check her out, Barney.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That -- That siren is suppose to be kept in good working order. It's suppose to be checked once in a while.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Captain
- Krevey: Hello, Creevy, what can we do for you ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: We got 65 men on the first watch. How many do you want to keep for double shift ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: What double shift?
- Krevey: We heard some kind of news about some kind of disaster ? Guys figured they'd pick up some overtime
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, haven't heard a thing, Creevy.
- Krevey: No disaster ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry
- Krevey: Well, that's okay. That's all right.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, you'll be the first to know
- Krevey: Yeah sure. We'll be just right downstairs
- Inspector Frank Luger: Now look, you say there is no way to get these people here out of New York
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nope, no way, other than normal civil defense procedures
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hmm... Every man for themselves
- Capt. Barney Miller: More or less... .
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh, sure. Here it is. Thanks, Wojo. "Procedures in the Event of Civil Disasters" Barney what was I telling you ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's just what I was saying to Callahan, a few hours ago
- Inspector Frank Luger: Callahan, the big mouth motorcycle cop ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I...
- Inspector Frank Luger: Huh ? What, was he in here. Shooting off his face again Huh ? About me and the Cashier in a restaurant over in Bensonhurst ? Well, I want you to know, she's a very nice woman. She's practically separated from her husband too. The big mouth ! That's how all those rumors get start, Barney.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Absolutely
- Inspector Frank Luger: Thanks Wojo. Can I use the phone in your office Barney ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Be my guest
- Det. Phil Fish: House Parents #1 and #2 are out of town. I called Juvenile and sent the other kids back to the Children's Center
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! What killed Fred ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Coroner said natural causes, you know, aggravation. Sit down !
- Jilly Papalardo: I'm not going back to Children's Center !
- Det. Phil Fish: Take it easy.
- Jilly Papalardo: I hate it ! I don't want to live where you get pushed around and the food stinks !
- Det. Phil Fish: If I can take it, you can take it !
- Capt. Barney Miller: What the hell is that ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, I guess Beckman fixed the siren.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful -- Just what we need at a time like this.
- Beckman: There, I fixed it ! Now, I can't turn it off !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I only wanted to know if we had one !
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right ! All right ! Go find the master switch and kill it, so you don't panic the whole precinct !
- Beckman: I hope your satisfied !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, it's just rules and regulations !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, get on the phone with dispatch. Have them send some patrol cars around the neighborhood with bullhorns telling everybody its a false alarm
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I hope your right
- Capt. Barney Miller: Creevey, there's no work ! The city has no money ! Will you get out of here !
- Det. Ron Harris: Inspector ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yes
- Det. Ron Harris: It's the commissioner , it's for you.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney ? it's Manhattan South, they say our siren isn't suppose to be on
- Capt. Barney Miller: Tell them "No Kidding"
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No Kidding !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hello , Hello. This is Captain Miller here, yeah, what ? Yes, I'm fully aware of that. It was unintentional.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Well, why is the siren going on Barney ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Unintentional
- Inspector Frank Luger: Unintentional, Commissioner.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look at it as an unscheduled test. All right. Relax. Relax. Take it easy. Well, you know, there are 11 million people in this city and if something did go wrong there is no way of getting them out are you aware of that ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, well we have heard rumors, sir. Huh ? biggies. Yeah. Unfounded. There all unfounded. Thank you, sir.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look it up in your grey book ! Grey book !
- Inspector Frank Luger: Panic ? In the City ? Oh, at City Hall . Oh, they all left , huh ? Where they go ? Well, you think you can get them back to us? I -- I certainly hope so, too. Yes, sir. Goodbye
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, get one and read it and learn something !
- Inspector Frank Luger: Barney, take it easy. It was all talk. It was just loose talk
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, this time but someday !
- Det. Ron Harris: No sir, don't pay any attention to it. It was a false alarm. Right !
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Believe me, there's no trouble it was a mistake. The siren went on and we can't turn it off.
- Det. Ron Harris: Sorry ma'am . It was a mistake , Please try to overlook it, okay
- Capt. Barney Miller: Twelfth Precinct, Captain Miller speaking...
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh and listen Barney...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hold on, please
- Inspector Frank Luger: What I said about me and the cashier over in Bensonhurst-- you know , there's nothing to that. It's unfounded, Barney. It's all unfounded. Keep it under your hat, will you ? Don't say anything about it
- Capt. Barney Miller: No Problem.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Right. Good, Barn. Thanks. I'll see you around boys.
- Det. Phil Fish: I'm not going to take you anywhere on Saturday. I'm going to stay home and watch the ball game. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday
- Det. Ron Harris: Twelfth precinct, Harris... Uh, sure, yes, h--hang on a minute... Fish... line 2, it's Bernice
- Det. Phil Fish: Hang on, Jilly. Hello, Bernice. Yeah? No, I don't want to go. I'm going to stay in in bed. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, whose got duty this week.
- Det. Ron Harris: Everybody but Dietrich, uh, he's in court. Wojo's going to Manhattan South to be Public Information Officer for four days starting tomorrow
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, did you hear about the tidal wave and earthquake in the Phillipines.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, terrible... terrible
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It says here that the Chinese got the atomic bomb.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, you're gonna have to learn with one irrevocable fact and that is there is no way to get 11 million people out of the city in a hurry
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then what are you gonna do ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: We just have to hope that mankind never gets to that point in their relationships where they'll allow something to happen. We have to do everything we can do to prevent it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay. What do we do ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, your making me crazy !
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barney, I checked with the children's center. She does have priors
- Capt. Barney Miller: On probation, huh ?
- Det. Ron Harris: She's a ward of the court. She lives in what they call a group home
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Her parents dead ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Her father is in Elmira
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, five to life. The last time her mother was heard from, she was living in San Diego going steady with an aircraft carrier
- Capt. Barney Miller: Who runs the home ?
- Det. Ron Harris: House Parents. You know, the city pays adults to live in with the kids
- Det. Phil Fish: Some people will do anything for money
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, see if you can get anybody on the phone
- Det. Ron Harris: I tried Barney, there's no answer
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, keep trying. Fish, you take the kid and check the place out
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah. Okay, kid we're gonna take a ride
- Jilly Papalardo: Where are we going ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Your house
- Jilly Papalardo: What for ? Your not going to like it.
- Det. Phil Fish: Don't worry about it. I don't like much anyway