- Capt. Barney Miller: You help us, we'll help you. You cooperate, I pretty much guarantee I can get you probation We could probably get you into a methadone clinic... Help you kick the habit.
- Capt. Barney Miller: The point is, we work very closely here around here and we can't do that in atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The crime bureau doesn't know anything about him, so I want to get a warrant and go pick him up
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay take some uniforms
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Kenneth Pryor - Disorderly Conduct, Destruction of Private Property, and Resisting Arrest...
- Kenneth Pryor: Resisting Arrest ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: We're entitled ?
- Kenneth Pryor: I had to do something to stop them, there are a bunch of Sadists and Nazis over there
- Capt. Barney Miller: Over Where ?
- Det. Ron Harris: We picked him up at a "Stop Smoking Clinic"... It's the New York Institute for Smoke Modification Inc.
- Kenneth Pryor: The gift cartons that used to come out at Christmas, with the holly and the bells and a picture of Santa lighting up.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You want to take care of that stuff ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Certainly, I'll put it in lockup
- Officer Carl Levitt: Contact the Narcotics Task Force, tell them we'll keep them apprised
- Bill Adelson: Our program is designed to liberate people from the tyranny of their subconscious cravings... and I am living proof that it works. Did you know that at one time I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day , weighed 250 pounds and was an alcoholic.?... But after counter conditioning treatment, today I have absolutely no desire for a cigarette or alcohol or food.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Congratulations... Now if you just follow Sergeant Harris, he'll have you sign the complaint
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, Dorsey. Yeah.We got a bit of a problem here, sit down.
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: In regard to what?
- Capt. Barney Miller: In regard to your attitude toward us and our rapidly deteriorating attitude to you
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: I see
- Capt. Barney Miller: I thought we had cleared things up , but obviously not considering you last remark about the heroin.
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: What heroin?
- Capt. Barney Miller: The heroin that was sitting right over there... That's gone now.
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Oh that heroin.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That heroin is in the lockup right now where it will remain until it is needed in court after which it will be disposed of according to official police procedures.
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Well I just figured, what you got here is a bunch of older guys, pretty bitter about being stuck in some bush-league precinct, who's got nothing better to do than figure out ways to line their pockets
- Bill Adelson: My card in case you join the other side
- Det. Ron Harris: And In case you do
- [places cigarette packet in Adelson's coat breast pocket and Adelson glances aside]
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: One more thing ,I do not know you keeps the pad, I think I'll just pass on it... No Problem, I known what it's like to try to make ends meet on just a paycheck... Everyone pickups a little extra knicky-knack here and there, which is okay with me. But like I said - I think I'll just pass on it
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sir, the transfer notification and permanent file on Dorsey, Eric
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, thank you
- Officer Carl Levitt: From what I am told, he is an excellent officer.He should make a fine addition to the squad
- Officer Carl Levitt: Thank You
- Officer Carl Levitt: Will you be needing me for anything else?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No,Thank You
- Officer Carl Levitt: I didn't think so
- Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt... Levitt, I do not make the final decisions on assignments and promotion, I did not request Dorsey. But when an offer is made for additional manpower, I am not about to turn it down
- Officer Carl Levitt: Did I ask something?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I know how long and hard you worked for a permanent assignment up here.
- Officer Carl Levitt: It has kept me going, Sir ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: There is still a possibility ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Oh
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, I don't know how long he's going to be up here anyway. Maybe, he won't work out.Maybe, he won't fit in with the squad. He might turn out to be more of an hindrance than a help.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Let's hope so sir
- Det. Ron Harris: Apparently, Mr Pryor had gone to the clinic for treatment, but subsequently took exception to the methods.
- Kenneth Pryor: There barbaric. You know, what they do. They stick these electrodes up your arm and everytime you take a puff... Zap !... 30 Volts... and while they are doing that, they got you in this room with ashtrays full of soggy, stinky, cigarette butts and blown-up pictures of diseased cancerous lungs
- Det. Ron Harris: What kind of ashtrays?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Was any of this done against your will Mr. Pryor?
- Kenneth Pryor: What will? You have no will once they get through you.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm afraid we're going to have to book you anyway
- Kenneth Pryor: I am so sick of non-smokers, with there snotty looks, and their phony little coughs and their smug self-righteous attitudes.
- Det. Ron Harris: Tell me about it, You want to have a seat right here please
- Officer Carl Levitt: Its jackpot time... lunch for 2,000 junkies... Sir, we made entry to Mr. King's apartment.We found this in the bedroom closet. It looks to be high-grade heroin. Wojo, is out to trying to find Mr. King... I counted 57 packets of one approximately ounce each.
- Det. Ron Harris: Wow - We're talking a street value of over $2,000,000
- Bill Adelson: Sergeant,what you do in private is none of my business, but when your smoke invades my breathing space then I have to ask you to stop.
- Det. Ron Harris: When did you have time for EST? Do you still read?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just get in here and be quiet
- Mr. King: Sergeant, look,I really feel we can work this out by ourselves without bothering your superiors.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Too late... Mr King, I assume
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Picked him up in a bar over on Lexington, he was pushing a little cocaine this time.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just get in here and be quiet We'll put this with your heroin
- Mr. King: Heroin?... Hey man, I don't have any heroin.
- Edward Devoe: It's okay man, they got mine too
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Shut Up... I don't know who that this...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Book'em Wojo, and I think Narcotics may want to have a talk with him
- Mr. King: Wait a second... I don't think we have considered all our options here
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do you mean ?
- Mr. King: I mean, I'm sure we can work out a solution to this problem, that will be mutually beneficial.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on, King... Get off here...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute... What did you have in mind ?
- Mr. King: You got the other stuff of mine and this coke here... it's very high grade... easy to sell.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'll bet
- Mr. King: Hey, I got a key in my pocket... May I
- Capt. Barney Miller: Go Ahead
- Mr. King: This fits a safe deposit boxes that's got $75,000 inside, all I want to do is walk out of here
- Capt. Barney Miller: Let's see if I get this straight, you're offering us all that heroin and that cocaine, and $75,000 just to let you walk out of here.
- Mr. King: Well
- Capt. Barney Miller: No Thank You, Is that good enough for you?...
- Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Yeah, I think so
- Mr. King: You don't want it?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, it's real nice of you to offer, add attempted bribery to the charges
- Mr. King: Oh... nice guy
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: On King
- Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich we got out ID, run Devoe over to Bellevue