- Capt. Barney Miller: [a grumpy Captain Miller approaches Harris' desk] What about you? How about my arrest reports for last month?
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm working on them, Barney, but I got stuck on something.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, what?
- Det. Ron Harris: [Turning to his typewriter] Well, this: "The suspect then turned on Officer Sloane and attacked him with..." I need a word that means "savage," but in a premeditated way.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Use that.
- Det. Ron Harris: [Shaking his head] Too awkward.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [Frustrated] This is an arrest report, not a literary masterpiece, c'mon!
- Det. Ron Harris: People downtown have come to expect something more when they see my name on a report.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Forget your reputation - gimme the report!
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Barney, but I'm gonna use my psuedonym.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [Addressing the elderly but feisty Mrs. Pierce] How about you, ma'am? How do you feel about it?
- Mrs. Pierce: Well, I-I-I want to sign... but I'm afraid.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Afraid? Of what?
- Mrs. Pierce: That punk's friends. They remember somebody who squeals. Yeah, they'll come in the middle of the night, they'll tie me up, they'll tear at my clothing...!
- Capt. Barney Miller: [Interrupting] Ma'am, you're letting your imagination get the better of you.
- Mrs. Pierce: That's all I got left, Captain.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yes ma'am, we're right around the corner from MacDougal Alley... You'll recognize it by the blue and white cars out front... and the expired meters... and no tickets on the windshields
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Nick
- Capt. Barney Miller: 'Morning, Woj
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hi Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, mail in yet
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, you expecting something
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Official business
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where's Fish ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, he's not coming in today ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's the matter with him now ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: An old ailment acting up again
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You mean, the one where he can't sit down too good.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, that's the one I was referring to and it's not a laughing matter.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Umm... yeah, I know, it's just hard to sympathize with something you never had
- Capt. Barney Miller: Your young yet...
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, thank. Uh, Barney... A bus went out of control and crashed into a building over on 12th Street. They think it was a hijack
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hijack ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, go with Harris
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You bet
- Det. Ron Harris: Man, you know, I ain't never been on a bus in this town
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You kidding
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I can't afford a cab, I don't go
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You go broke taking cabs
- Det. Ron Harris: Plus, uh, I stay home a lot
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here, the Hinman report.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, thank you. Just out of curiosity, what was it under ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Some magazines
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: Nobody cares nothing about protecting the buses. I mean, you can bring a bazooka on there, as long as you pay the exact fare and not spit on the floor
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah... Barney, this is Mr. Strand, he was the bus driver
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: What's that suppose to mean ?
- Det. Ron Harris: What ?
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: Your're looking for a fall guy, huh, look someplace else
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Strand, Detective Harris isn't accusing you of anything, he's just identifying you to me.
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: Why single me out ? I mean, there are two other people he could of identified.
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barney, this is Miss Lambert. This is Mr. Quentin. And Neither of them is the bus driver .
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: You see. You see. Punching... Punching... Punching...
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right. All right. All right. Look, we got some questions. We got some questions, we want to ask you, all of you. So if you'll just have a seat, we will try to make it as painless as possible.
- Harry Cranston: How can this happen in a civilized city. What--What are we paying the police for, huh ?
- Miss Lambert: Ah-- Shut up Harry, they're doing the best they can ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, do you know each other ?
- Miss Lambert: Yes
- Harry Cranston: No -- I met her on the bus
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Okay
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Listen, I heard about the operation you're going for. There's nothing to worry about. It's a serious procedure, but it's something that's performed successfully every day. The biggest problem is people letting their fear and imagination get out of hand.
- Det. Phil Fish: I'm not worried. I got fine doctor and it's a very good hospital
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Of course, there's no guarantees
- Miss Lambert: Ah sure, it was all going to be different. You were going to tell your wife. Everything was going to be aboveboard. No more hiding me . No more sneaking around. No more meeting in dark bars.
- Capt. Barney Miller: So, you failed one test, if at first you don't succeed...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's not the first one, its the fourth. I'm going for a record
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, the idea is to benefit from one's past failures
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I... I benefitted four failures, and I'm still Stan Wojociehowicz Detective Third Grade
- [slight chuckle]
- Capt. Barney Miller: So chalk it up to experience and grow with it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, experience helps a lot of people, but it ain't done nothing for me
- Capt. Barney Miller: That is a defeatist attitude
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I can take it. I mean, let Yemana, and Fish, and Harris go out and lead the war against crime. I'll stay there, and I'll type and file and I'll so my job. And I'll be the best Third Grade cop for the rest of my natural life. It's okay with me.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's the way you want it
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's the way I want it. I'm just going to take this letter and I'm gonna chuck it in the waste basket... as soon as I get my hand open.
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah, Barney, we got problems
- Capt. Barney Miller: What ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, none of the victims... gonna sign the complaints against Brenner
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh... Wonderful. Five minutes ago, they we're screaming for his blood
- Det. Ron Harris: They say they don't want to get any more involved
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know how they make doughnuts, fry them in hot fat. It's Cholesterol. You know about Cholesterol. It builds up in little globules, in veins, arteries. Clogs them up, so blood can't get to your heart. No... no, they don't tell you that on the box
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I thought it would be like cigarettes
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's the trouble
- Harry Cranston: Well it seems to me that we spent enough time here, we got our stuff back, you got your punk and I got a business to run.
- Capt. Barney Miller: We're not going to do much with our punk, unless we get your statements as witnesses
- Harry Cranston: And spend our whole day in court
- Capt. Barney Miller: Unfortunately, that's part of what we call the American Judicial System, yes
- Miss Lambert: It might be nice, I've never seen you in the morning
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: I ain't taking any more time off from work, you know how many guys are on line waiting for my job
- Harry Cranston: I don't want to get involved
- Capt. Barney Miller: Your all ready involved
- Miss Lambert: From your mouth to his ear
- Capt. Barney Miller: Weren't you the guy who was yelling that... that the police falling down on the job. Well, it's time for you to take some responsibility. We need your statements as witnesses. We need your testimony in court
- Brenner: Hey, your not allowed to do that. That's badgering a witness
- Det. Ron Harris: Clam up Brenner
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: Listen, I got to get out of here, you know how it is
- Det. Ron Harris: Sure, Strand, we know how it is.
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: I mean, they'll probably let him off anyway. It's all a waste of time
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, thanks to you and you and your defeatist attitude
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here... Here
- Mr. Strand, Bus Driver: If you get out of here, I'm warning you, stay off my bus !
- Brenner: Wonderful to see you, weirdo! You know, guys like that give me such a headache
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh yeah !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Quentin, I forget about you completely, what do you say ?
- Mr. Quentin: Oh, I'd like to help you.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good, Dietrich, bring a statement, we'll have Mr. Quentin sign it.
- Mr. Quentin: But I can't
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Quentin, there has been a crime committed. We like to discourage that sort of thing and we need your help.
- Mr. Quentin: I'm a little hazy on the the facts. I...
- Capt. Barney Miller: You were robbed weren't you ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: No he wasn't robbed
- Capt. Barney Miller: I mean, you saw other people being robbed ?
- Mr. Quentin: I guess so
- Capt. Barney Miller: You hurt your back ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I though it was your neck
- Mr. Quentin: Well, its all together
- Capt. Barney Miller: Where did you get on that bus, Mr. Quentin ?
- Mr. Quentin: Uh, Seventh Avenue and Twenty- Six street, I think
- Capt. Barney Miller: It was a cross-town bus
- Mr. Quentin: I said I was hazy on the facts
- Capt. Barney Miller: You got on that bus after the crash, didn't you
- Mr. Quentin: Why... Why would I do a thing like that ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Insurance Fraud, how about that, good guess
- Mr. Quentin: Well, I mean, people do it every day, don't they. Insurance companies got plenty. They get a break on taxes. They soak us pretty good, right ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's an opinion but they do it legally
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich, Brenner: Hey Quentin, Quentin, come on in here with me, there's plenty of room
- Capt. Barney Miller: Knock it off !
- Mr. Quentin: Am I free to go ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fortunately, you didn't go too far.
- Mr. Quentin: I could have signed that statement, you never would have known
- Mr. Quentin: Conscience doth make cowards of us all
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know what it is ?
- Brenner: What ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sinus trouble
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay Brenner let's go
- Brenner: Easy, easy I got sinus trouble , right ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I'd stake my professional reputation on it
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, Harris, you and Dietrich take our friend over to Manhattan South. Tell them about the witnesses. Tell them to swear out subpoenas. Tell them to do whatever they want
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay Barney
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nick... Wojo , you two go over to the hospital. Maybe we can get some statements from the other passengers
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's the story ?
- Det. Ron Harris: It's a hold-up all the way
- Capt. Barney Miller: These the passengers
- Det. Ron Harris: That's some of them. Wojo is bringing the rest of them in another car. The suspect jumped off the bus as soon as it crashed. But we cordoned the block off so...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay
- Harry Cranston: You got a whole room full of witnesses, how many more do you need for good sakes ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, we try to squeeze in as many as we can . It helps block our view of the squalor.