- Opie Taylor: You gonna fingerprint me, Barney?
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison!
- Otis Campbell: Drunk or sober, I can't tell very much without my glasses.
- Andy Taylor: Well, were you drunk when Deputy Fife arrested you?
- Otis Campbell: I can't tell. I wasn't wearin' my glasses.
- Andy Taylor: I tell you the truth, I'm surprised you didn't get to me, too.
- Barney Fife: Uh, well, if you want to get technical about it...
- Andy Taylor: Huh?
- Barney Fife: Well, you could be reprimanded for being out of uniform. I mean, no tie and collar open, pants unpressed, not wearin' a revolver and gun belt, sleeves rolled up, your shoes...
- [Andy holds up a hand for silence then marches himself off to his own jail cell]
- Chester Jones: Barney! Barney, quick! You got to catch him!
- Barney Fife: Who?
- Chester Jones: The fella what just hit and run!
- Barney Fife: Hit and run? Where?
- Chester Jones: [laughing] Out to the baseball field!
- Andy Taylor: [Andy has just entered the courthouse, only to be greeted by the shouts and protests of the incarcerated civilians of Mayberry] Well, no wonder it's quiet in town. The whole population is in here!
- Barney Fife: Well, he *did* willfully, with malice aforethought, throw a checkerboard full of checkers! Could've blinded somebody!
- Andy Taylor: Well, now, seein' as how that's been going on between Chester and ol' Jud here for around twenty years, that's more a part *of* the peace than it is disturbin' the peace. Case dismissed, Jud. You can go on home.
- Jud Fletcher: Thank ya, Andy. And thank you too, Barney.
- Barney Fife: What for?
- Jud Fletcher: Well, considering the kind of crime I done, for not tryin' to get me hung!
- Hilda Mae: It isn't right, Sheriff. Folks are really so fond of him.
- Andy Taylor: Yeah, that's right. They are.
- Hilda Mae: Sure. Everybody likes Barney. That's what makes it so bad. They don't realize they're hurtin' him. It's just a joke to them.
- Andy Taylor: [getting an idea] Uh-huh. Well, now, that's probably because they've never thought about it quite that way before.
- Hilda Mae: I tell ya, Sheriff, that fella was so buttered-up, if you tried to grab him, he'd squoosh right outta your hands!
- Floyd Lawson: [to Mayor Pike, while cutting his balding hair] You know, Mayor, I have a hair growth tonic that will help you grow hair over your eyes.
- Mayor Pike: I don't want hair over my eyes! I want hair over my head!
- Barney Fife: [while reading off "crimes" and charges] Bee Taylor, age...
- Aunt Bee Taylor: You say another word Barney Fife and you'll live to regret it!