- [introduction]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [In his suit, Hitchcock is lying down on a bed] Good evening. Since you're allowed to make yourselves comfortable during our show, I thought it only right that I be allowed to relax. After all, the rules of television seem weighed far too much in favor of the viewer. You can relax in your home, while I must stay here in this drafty studio. I'm not feeling a bit well. But the show must go on, whether you like it or not. And tonight's show is called "The Indestructible Mr. Weems."
- [afterword]
- Alfred Hitchcock: There. I think that proves that we can be as sunshiny as anyone. Clarence and the widow Collins lived happily ever after. And in desperation, the trustees finally converted their park into a track for dog racing. It proved more popular than a cemetery, and rather profitable, too.
- [walks over to a coffin]
- Alfred Hitchcock: One of the consolations of being ill is the gifts one receives. One of my dear friends sent me this. Solid oak. Silver handles, too. Apparently, the donor wishes to remain anonymous. The card is unsigned.
- [holds up the card; it reads "Wear it in good health"]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Very nice. But I better not overtax myself. Until our next visiting hours, then.
- [lies down and holds up a sign that says, "Do Not Disturb"]
- Harry Brown: I can prove Mr. Weems is a very sick man!
- Cato Stone: Well, somebody had better tell Me. Weems - he's already entered himself in the cha cha contest!
- Cato Stone: We might look in on you now and then, if you don't mind.
- Clarence Weems: Don't bother. Just read the obituary column.
- [first lines]
- Harry Brown: Have any luck?
- Mr. Brodheit: Hmm? Oh, not bad, shot a 41 on the front nine, then a birdie three on...
- [last lines]
- Clarence Weems: It was the least I could do. He tried dreadful hard to make a success of this place.
- Minister: [off-screen] Relatives and good friends of Cato Stone...
- Cato Stone, Bronsky, Mr. Brodheit, Harry Brown: [first lines]
- Cato Stone, Bronsky, Mr. Brodheit, Harry Brown: [Stone, Bronsky, Dr Elkins and Brown are reciting the Lodge oath] "We, Knights of the Golden Lodge, pledge ourselves in brotherhood, unstintingly to help our fellow members, and those less fortunate than ourselves."
- Cato Stone: The board meeting of the Knights of the Golden Lodge is now in session.
- [Stone bangs his gavel, and all sit down]
- Cato Stone: It distresses me to inform you that after months of hard work by our sales committee, we have yet to sell our first plot!
- Clarence Weems: I can't stand do-gooders, sympathy, or long faces. All I ask is that you have a good time at the wake.