- Gomez: Thanks a lot, Itt. Underneath all that hair, you really are... what are you underneath all that hair?
- Cousin Itt: [Cousin Itt's gibberish]
- Gomez: Roots? Makes sense.
- Morticia: Uncle Fester, I'm madly in love with Gomez Addams but he's engaged to marry my sister, Ophelia. What should I do?
- Uncle Fester: Forget him. Anybody that'd marry your sister Ophelia must be a nut!
- Morticia: [upon receiving her anniversary gift from Gomez] Oh, darling, it's beautiful, and my favorite color, too - black.
- Grandmama Addams: Gomez, why don't you and Ophelia take a walk in the garden?
- Gomez: Oh, it's too chilly out there.
- Granny Frump: Ophelia'll warm you up.
- Gomez: I better get my coat on.
- Ophelia Frump: A coat? In July? Well, it IS more becoming.
- Gomez: I just want to keep my bronchial tubes warm.
- Grandmama Addams: Yeah, you won't want a son-in-law with cold bronchial tubes, would ya?
- Morticia: Sweet old Uncle Fester. He used to write an advice-to-the-lovelorn column. He'd still be doing it, too, if everybody hadn't started suing him.
- Grandmama Addams: Gomez, are you gonna spend your whole life sitting there when romance is on the way?
- Gomez: [coughing] How can I think of romance when my bronchial tubes are collapsing?
- Grandmama Addams: You're the one that's collapsing. Been sitting at that contraption for twenty-two years. It's time you tried a girl.
- Gomez: I don't like girls.
- Grandmama Addams: Well, you can't marry a vaporizer.
- Granny Frump: All right, I'll up the dowry to three thousand, make it a six-layer cake, and supply the food, music and preacher.
- Grandmama: And I'll supply the guests. Fair?
- Granny Frump: [considering it] Well, seems fair.
- Ophelia Frump: Fair Gomez, is there anything you'd like to do?
- Gomez: Yes. Go into a coma.
- Ophelia Frump: [amused] Ohh... Oh, he does have a delicious sense of humor. And he shall be rewarded.
- Gomez: You're going to leave?
- Ophelia Frump: Nonsense. I'm going to amuse thee, sire.
- [Ophelia thereby saws a violin in half with great vigor]
- Gomez Addams: Cousin Itt, my whole future is at stake and all you can think of is your own selfish pleasure.