Da Kath & Kim Code (2005 TV Movie)

Glenn Robbins: Kel Knight

Quotes 

• Kel Knight : That really is nice toast. Is that sour dough?

• Kel Knight : Gee, your trap's tight, sweets.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I know. Loosen it up for me, will you?

• Kel Knight : [Epponnee cries while Kel is watching "Meet The Fockers"]  Come on, Epps. It's a good film. It's Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand. Yes, we do.

• Kath Day Knight : [Kel is about to eat a sandwhich]  Kel! Don't eat those. They're not for us, they're for The Wiggles. Can't you read?

  Kel Knight : No need to bite my head off. I might have one of these drinks.

  Kath Day Knight : No! They're Rhonda Burchmore's Gatorades.

• Yellow Wiggle : G'day, mate. We're a bit lost.

  Purple Wiggle : And we've lost Anthony. Have you seen him?

  Kel Knight : No. Who's Anthony?

  Red Wiggle : He's the Blue Wiggle. Stage management said they'd be some sandwiches here for us. Have you seen them?

  Kel Knight : [defensively]  No.

• Rhonda Burchmore : Hey, Darl, can you give me a hand with my zip?

  Kel Knight : Oh, sorry, Rhonda. Tuna hands.

• Brett Craig : I've gotta go to work.

  Kel Knight : What? On Christmas Day?

  Brett Craig : New workplace agreements, Kel.

  Kath Day Knight : Oh, bloody Howard! I bet he's not working on Christmas Day.

  Kim Day Craig : Who?

• Kath Day Knight : Can you hear someone outside, Kel?

  [dramatic choral music plays] 

  Kath Day Knight : It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!

  Kel Knight : Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

  Kath Day Knight : What?

  Kel Knight : The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!

  Kel Knight : No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.

  Kath Day Knight : And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.

  Kel Knight : And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".

  Kath Day Knight : Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no!

  [screams] 

  John Monk : Have you cracked the code yet?

  Kel Knight : Yes. And you're going to kill us!

  John Monk : No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?

  Kath Day Knight : The painting? It's there.

• Kel Knight : So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?

  Kath Day Knight : And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?

  John Monk : It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.

• Kel Knight : So John, why are you selling the franchise?

  John Monk : It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.

  Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.

  John Monk : [chuckles]  No, this is peroxide.

  Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.

  John Monk : Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.

  Kath Day Knight : Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?

  John Monk : Well, what is it?

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.

  John Monk : Australian seafood. Very nice.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.

• Kel Knight : So, John, what do you think of Australia?

  Kath Day Knight : Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.

  Kim Day Craig : It's the best place in the world, isn't it?

  John Monk : Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.

  Kim Day Craig : Oh, yeah.

  John Monk : I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.

  Kim Day Craig : No, it's fantastic.

  Kath Day Knight : It doesn't, indeed.

• Kel Knight : How long have these osso bucos been sitting here?

  Kim Day Craig : I just bought them yesterday.

  Kel Knight : Well, you can't be leaving meat out in this weather.

  Kim Day Craig : [quietly mocking Kel]  "Can't be leaving meat out in this weather".

• Kel Knight : The albino's the chap who runs the whole Da Vinci Code Tour. A fellow by the name of John Monk.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, he was nice. But he was funny, wasn't he? Not funny ha-ha, funny weird.

  Kel Knight : Mmm... Oh, he's raking it in though.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah.

• Kath Day Knight : Yeah, it was sorta like "The Amazing Race", Kim. You know that TV show?

  Kim Day Craig : Sounds boring.

  Kel Knight : Oh, no, wasn't boring. They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea, didn't they Kath?

  Kath Day Knight : Ohh! It was so real, Kim. It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here.

  Kim Day Craig : Eww! If it was so awesome, how come you're home early?

  Kel Knight : Oh, as it happens, at our last stop, we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus'.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah. He runs a B&B with his wife Kerry. Kim, he was such a phony.

  Kel Knight : Oh, you could clearly see he had a stick-on beard.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah. So we just... we just left. You know, we'd seen enough.