Mock the Week (2005–2022)

Hugh Dennis: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hugh Dennis : Viewers of a nervous disposition may be interested to know that your television is off and I am speaking to you from inside your head...

• Hugh Dennis : [In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say]  If you've been affected by the issues raised in Balamory...

• Hugh Dennis : Itchy skin, dry flaking scalp? You disgust me!

• [repeated line] 

  Hugh Dennis : Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

• Hugh Dennis : Tired of a messy toolbox? Then you need the Abu Hamza multi-tool!

• Hugh Dennis : [Unlikely things to be said in programme indents]  You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself.

• Hugh Dennis : [Unlikely things to be said during a programme indent]  If you were affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's episode of Balamory...

• [repeated line] 

  Hugh Dennis : The band was Showaddywaddy!

• Hugh Dennis : [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months]  How long does it take Abu Hamza to tie his shoelace?

• Hugh Dennis : [the panel are asked what to do about bird flu. Hugh is a Tory MP; Rory is the Duke of Edinburgh]  Well, personally I think we ought to do away with all birds, including swans.

  Team Captain : They belong to my wife, you bastard!

  Hugh Dennis : Oh, yeah. I've shagged your wife, as well.

  Team Captain : You lucky devil! I haven't had sex with her for nearly sixty years!

• Team Captain : [Rory is Tony Blair giving a speech; Hugh is translating]  As Prime Minister, it is my duty to protect the people of this nation.

  Hugh Dennis : Whoops!

  Team Captain : Many nights I've lain awake, gazing into the abyss...

  Hugh Dennis : I wish Cherie would sleep with her mouth closed.

  Team Captain : I know that a lot of people have been wondering when I'm going to retire...

  Hugh Dennis : I know Gordon has been wondering when I'm going to retire...

  Team Captain : I'm sure that one day, Gordon will make a great leader...

  Hugh Dennis : ...of the Opposition...

  Team Captain : But I'm not a king-maker. There will be a proper procedure for deciding the leader who follows me.

  Hugh Dennis : Whomsoever pulls the sword from the stone! He shall be the one!