- Russ Cargill: Anyone can pick something when they know what it is; It takes real leadership to pick something you're clueless about.
- President Schwarzenegger: Ok, I pick 3!
- Russ Cargill: Try again.
- President Schwarzenegger: 1!
- Russ Cargill: Go higher.
- President Schwarzenegger: 5?
- Russ Cargill: Too high.
- President Schwarzenegger: 3?
- Russ Cargill: You already said 3.
- President Schwarzenegger: 6?
- Russ Cargill: There is no 6.
- President Schwarzenegger: 2?
- Russ Cargill: Double it.
- President Schwarzenegger: 4!
- Russ Cargill: As you wish, sir.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
- Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
- Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
- Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
- Grampa: I'm part of the mob!
- Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!
- Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
- [he and the mobsters walk off with the body]
- Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.
- Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.
- NSA Worker: Hey everybody, I found one! The government actually found someone we're looking for! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!
- Russ Cargill: [enters the Oval Office] President Schawarzenegger.
- President Schwarzenegger: Ja. That is me.
- Russ Cargill: The pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.
- President Schwarzenegger: Ach! Everything is "crisis this" and "end-of-the-world that"! No one opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
- Russ Cargill: You like jokes, huh? Well, stop me if you've heard this one.
- [holds up cage with the mutant squirrel]
- President Schwarzenegger: [gasp] Look at all those angry eyes and pointy teeth! It's like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!
- Russ Cargill: Mr. President, you chose me, Russ Cargill, most successful man in America, to head the EPA, the least successful government agency. Why did I take the job? Because I'm just a rich guy who wants to kick some ass for good old Mother Earth. I want to give something back. Not the money, but something. That's why I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options.
- [spreads the files on the President's desk]
- Russ Cargill: Each one will cause untold misery and...
- President Schwarzenegger: [points to File #3] I pick Number Three!
- Russ Cargill: Really? You don't want to read them first?
- President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*. Number Three!
- Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
- Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
- Ned Flanders: No.
- [Bart puts a black bra on his head]
- Bart Simpson: [in the voice of a cartoon mouse] I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!
- Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
- [screams as Bart is plastered, naked against the window of the restaurant]
- Ned Flanders: PENIS!
- Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: [devoutly] ... bountiful penis.
- Todd Flanders: Amen.
- Russ Cargill: I want ten thousand tough guys, and I want ten thousand soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher.
- Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
- Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
- Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
- Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
- Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
- Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life so far.
- Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
- Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
- Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
- Homer Simpson: That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.
- Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
- Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
- [Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
- Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
- Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?
- Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
- Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
- Homer Simpson: Well said, boy.
- Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
- Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
- Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
- Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
- Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried!
- Russ Cargill: What treasure?
- Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
- Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
- [Homer and Bart laugh]
- Homer Simpson: Classic!
- Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
- [Cargill aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]
- Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
- [Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]
- [Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]
- Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
- Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!
- Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!
- Homer Simpson: [still whipping the dogs as they take a breather] Rest! Rest!
- Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!
- Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...
- Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!
- Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?
- Colin: I'm Colin.
- Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
- Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
- Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
- Colin: He's not Bono.
- Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
- Colin: He's NOT Bono.
- [Bart claps]
- Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
- Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
- [Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
- Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
- Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
- Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
- [Lisa claps along with Bart]
- Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]
- Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
- Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
- Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!
- [about the Itchy and Scratchy movie in the cinema hall]
- Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!
- [points to us]
- Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
- Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...
- Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- Marge Simpson: Actually, it's aged me horribly.
- Marge Simpson: [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...
- [looks up in surprise]
- Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
- [cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
- Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, I've got to go find Colin.
- Marge Simpson: Not now, sweetie. Doomsday is family time.
- Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
- Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.
- Homer Simpson: Listen to me! All of you! We are staying! We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
- [Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
- Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
- [there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
- Barney Gumble: Preachy!
- Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
- Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
- [Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
- Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
- Moe: I beg to differ.
- [He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
- Tre Cool: Oh.
- Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
- [Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]
- EPA Official: S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power...
- Russ Cargill: Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!
- Robot: Red wire, blue wire, black is usually the ground...
- [begins shaking]
- Robot: ... ahhh, so much pressure... PRESSURE!
- [grabs Chief Wiggum's gun and shoots itself in the head]
- Chief Wiggum: He was talking about it, but I never took him seriously.
- Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
- [everyone spits out their water in disgust]
- Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!
- Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!
- [Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]
- Homer Simpson: [screams]
- Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!
- Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
- [Homer begins strangling Bart]
- Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!
- Toll Booth Man: Welcome to Alaska. Here's a thousand dollars.
- Homer Simpson: Well, it's about time! But why?
- Toll Booth Man: We pay every resident a thousand dollars to allow the oil companies to ravage our state's natural beauty.
- Homer Simpson: [hugs toll booth man] I'm home!
- Ned Flanders: Bart! Crawl across. Hurry.
- Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they'll kill you.
- Ned Flanders: I'm sure your father would do the same for...
- [Bart just stares at him]
- Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now, hustle your bustles.
- Homer Simpson: A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.
- Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.
- Bart Simpson: How naked?
- Homer Simpson: Fourth base.
- Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you "chicken for life". Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing...
- Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!
- Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
- Cletus: Hey, I know how you feel; I was beat in tic-tac-toe by a chicken.
- Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
- [on TV, the cops rotate the silo to reveal "Return to Homer Simpson - No Reward"]
- [to the angry mob, as Homer tries to escape through the sinkhole]
- Moe: The top of his head is still showing! Claw at it!
- Montgomery Burns: [during credits] Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.
- Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.
- Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.
- Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
- Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
- Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
- Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
- Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
- Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
- Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
- [Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
- Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
- Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
- Homer Simpson: I rest my case.
- Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [during the end credits, mopping up the theater floor] Assistant Manager isn't all it's cracked up to be. Four years of film school for this?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
- Homer Simpson: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
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