Allen Covert credited as playing...
- Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.
- Dante: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.
- Alex: You're getting a lion?
- Dante: Yeah.
- Alex: Why?
- Dante: To protect my shit.
- Alex: Never heard of a dog?
- Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.
- Alex: Yeah, that's true.
- Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.
- Jeff: That's awesome.
- Alex: What?
- Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
- Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...
- Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.
- Alex: Don't judge me Monkey.
- Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.
- Alex: Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.
- Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.
- J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face.
- Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something?
- J.P.: [Hides behind coat]
- Alex: You're fuckin' weird.
- J.P.: ...How did he see me?
- Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.
- Alex: Why is it called that?
- Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!
- Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.
- Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.
- [first lines]
- Josh: [playing video game] Fuck! Stop hitting me!
- Alex: This is like if Tyson fought an infant.
- Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.
- Alex: You're an idiot.
- Alex: Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.
- [looking around]
- Alex: Of course she doesn't have a microwave she's fucking a hundred.
- Grandma Lilly: [ghostly voice] Ohhh... I died on the floor... and *nobody* helped me!
- Alex: You have got to be fucking shitting me.
- Grandma Lilly: Ohh it's so cold... when you're dead...
- Alex: I swear to God, I would've helped you, Sophie. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I would've helped you. I just wasn't here...
- Grandma Lilly: [jumps up] Gotcha!
- Alex: Ahh! Oh my God!
- Grandma Lilly: You scaredy cat!
- Alex: What the hell are you doing, Grandma?
- Grandma Lilly: I told you we were going to have fun!
- Josh: I love them so much...
- Alex: You love who?
- Josh: The Girls at Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...
- Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?
- Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.
- Mover #2: Yeah, that'll massage your cock for money.
- Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!
- Josh: You're a hooker!
- [movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]
- Alex: Whoa! Wait.
- Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!
- Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride.
- Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.
- Dante: Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.
- Alex: You do know that lions eat deer, right?
- Dante: Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.
- J.P.: How do you two know each other?
- Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.
- J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.
- Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?
- J.P.: So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.
- Alex: [as Alex turns around and Jeff's mom screams bloody murder] Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!
- Grandma Lilly: Grace you remember my grandson Alex - our new "roommate."
- Alex: [waves]
- Grace: How long you stayin'?
- Alex: Um, just until I find a new apartment.
- Grace: Have a girlfriend?
- Alex: No.
- Grace: How old are you now?
- Alex: I'll be 36 in October.
- Grace: My grandson's gay, too. I'll give you his number.
- Alex: I'm not gay, but, thank you?
- Grace: Denial.
- Alex: [Masturbating to a Tomb Raider barbie doll] Come on Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up to you to find it. Oh Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let's see what's under you skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.
- Alex: Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?
- Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?
- Alex: Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!
- Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...
- Alex: [farts]
- Samantha: Is he sleeping?
- Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.
- [pats Alex]
- Jeff: Wake up, dude.
- Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!
- Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.
- Alex: Rip what?
