- Michael: [giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.
- Michael: U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.
- Michael: I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.
- Michael: L, Love. I love this building
- Michael: D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...
- David: As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.
- CO-OP Board President: Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!
- David: I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?
- Mountain Man: Of course.
- David: No, no, but you say it.
- Mountain Man: ...Mike hunt.
- [Michael, Michael and David giggle]
- Mountain Man: What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?"
- [more giggles]
- Mountain Man: All right, enough!
- Michael: [after finding out they are bankrupt] You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.
- David: Hey, you remind me of fast food.
- Blonde Girl: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
- David: Because I want to take you out...
- Blonde Girl: [laughs]
- David: ...and then I want to eat you in my car.
- Jane Burroughs: I'm afraid I some have bad news.
- David: Don't tell me you have crabs.
- Jane Burroughs: No.
- David: ...You will.
- Michael: Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.
- Mountain Man: Nature is fun.
- David: Like boobs?
- Mountain Man: But it can also be dangerous.
- Michael: Like fire boobs?
- Michael: Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!
- CO-OP Board President: Where are they? It's four o'clock!
- Amy: I don't know, they left for lunch at 9:30 and never came back.
- CO-OP Board Member: Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks?
- Michael: Not skunks... skunk people!
- Greg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.
- David: We are employees!
- Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.
- Greg: Houston?
- Michael: [in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh?
- Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston.
- Michael: [in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.
- Michael: [in Canadian accent] ... Pierre Trudeau...
- Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?
- David: [in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers!
- Michael, Michael: Yeah!
- Michael: [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that?
- Michael: [in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.
- David: [in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow.
- Michael: [in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?
- China: What are you doing?
- Gary Meadows: Go back to bed, China.
- China: But I'm bored.
- Gary Meadows: I said, go back to bed, China!
- [shouts]
- Gary Meadows: Now!
- Michael: It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.
- Michael: I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."
- Michael: Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...
- Michael: Right.
- Michael: ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.
- Michael: Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...
- Michael: Literally, it could be this table.
- Michael: It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.
- Michael: It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?
- Michael: I totally...
- Michael: It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.
- Michael: Oh, my God...
- David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!
- Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!
- Michael: What are we gonna do?
- David: Call Marcus.
- Michael: Yeah, call Marcus.
- Michael: Who's Marcus?
- Michael: I don't know, I don't know!
- Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive!
- Michael: [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that!
- Michael: It was either him or us, Mike!
- Michael: What are you talking about?
- David: You guys, we have to call the cops!
- Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one!
- David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!
- Michael: [points gun at David] I said no cops!
- Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey
- [points gun at Michael Ian Black]
- David: Put the gun down, Mike!
- [points gun at Showalter]
- Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!
- David: I know? it's weird.
- Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.
- David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!
- Michael: 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?
- [all three throw guns down]
- David: Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!
- Michael: How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!
- Michael: [looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...
- Michael: [to close up their presentation for the Big Account] In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.
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