Stella (2005)

Michael Ian Black: Michael

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael : The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.

• Michael : [giving his speech to the Residence Board]  B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.

  Michael : U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.

  Michael : I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.

  Michael : L, Love. I love this building

  Michael : D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...

• Michael : I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.

• Michael : Think of all the great things that have come out of this country!

  Michael : Rugby.

  David : Chicken Tikka Masala.

  Michael : Chinese People.

  Michael : Ass.

  David : Harry Potter.

  Michael : Rubber balls and liquor.

  Michael : Then I say something.

• David : It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.

  Michael : He is such a Nazi.

  Michael : Michael, not all Germans are Nazis.

  Michael : That's not my understanding.

• [repeated line] 

  David , Michael , Michael : That is too funny!

• David : How's the soup, Michael?

  Michael : It's good.

  David : You won't be saying that after I kill you!

• David : Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean?

  Michael : What, who is this? I don't know any Davids!

  David : David Wain?

  Michael : Oh... yeah

• Michael : [after finding out they are bankrupt]  You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.

• Michael : Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.

  Mountain Man : Nature is fun.

  David : Like boobs?

  Mountain Man : But it can also be dangerous.

  Michael : Like fire boobs?

• Michael : Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!

• Michael : I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

  Michael : I feel the same way.

  Michael : You're bummed out, right?

  Michael : No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.

• Michael : Where are we?

  Michael : Are we in heaven?

  David : Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.

• Michael : You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?

• Michael : David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches?

  David : Gary Meadows? Sure. But why?

  Michael : Trust me. Just trust me.

• CO-OP Board Member : Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks?

  Michael : Not skunks... skunk people!

• Richard : How about some sugar for my coffee?

  Michael : How about I'm not your bitch.

• David : And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison.

  Michael : She's had more boyfriends than Madonna!

  Michael : I like English muffins.

  David : Totally.

• Greg : Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.

  David : We are employees!

  Michael : Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.

  Greg : Houston?

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  That's aboot right, eh?

  Ansel : I didn't know we had an office in Houston.

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  ... Pierre Trudeau...

  Ansel : If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?

  David : [in Canadian accent]  Take off you hosers!

  Michael , Michael : Yeah!

• Michael : Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles.

  Michael : And numchucks.

  David : Sweeeeet.

• Michael : [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits]  Why are you guys dressed like that?

  Michael : [in a rain poncho]  Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.

  David : [in mountain climbing gear]  And *I'm* dressed for snow.

  Michael : [in a swimsuit]  Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?

• Michael : I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."

  Michael : Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...

  Michael : Right.

  Michael : ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.

  Michael : Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...

  Michael : Literally, it could be this table.

  Michael : It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.

  Michael : It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?

  Michael : I totally...

  Michael : It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.

  Michael : Oh, my God...

• David : Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!

  Michael : I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!

  Michael : What are we gonna do?

  David : Call Marcus.

  Michael : Yeah, call Marcus.

  Michael : Who's Marcus?

  Michael : I don't know, I don't know!

  Michael : Hey guys, he's still alive!

  Michael : [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man]  Why did you do that!

  Michael : It was either him or us, Mike!

  Michael : What are you talking about?

  David : You guys, we have to call the cops!

  Michael : No cops, Dave... not on this one!

  David : What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!

  Michael : [points gun at David]  I said no cops!

  Michael : Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey

  [points gun at Michael Ian Black] 

  David : Put the gun down, Mike!

  [points gun at Showalter] 

  Michael : Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!

  David : I know? it's weird.

  Michael : Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.

  David : Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!

  Michael : 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?

  [all three throw guns down] 

  David : Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!

  Michael : How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!

  Michael : [looks at Mountain Man's dead body]  I have an idea...

• Michael : If you guys don't stop talking about the boogie boards, I'm gonna run this car off the road!

  David & Michael : Do it!

  Michael : I will!

  David & Michael : Do it!

  Michael : Fine!

  [Swerves off a cliff] 

• Old Woman : Everybody make a wish, now.

  Michael : I wish we had our apartment back.

  Michael : I wish we had our apartment back.

  David : I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.

• Michael : Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted.

  David : I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.

  Michael : I can barely keep my pee hole open.

  Michael : My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.

• Michael : I'm cold.

  Michael : I'm hungry.

  David : I'm David.

  [makes fart noise] 

• Michael : David went to Julliard, Michael.

  Michael : I don't care where he went!

  Michael : He's a classical violinist.

  David : And I'm a classical pianist!

  Michael : You're a classical dick, is what you are.