The Aristocrats (2005)

Mario Cantone: Self

Quotes 

• [in a Liza Minelli voice] 

  Mario Cantone : In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't...

  [silently] 

  Mario Cantone : Have."

  [pause] 

  Mario Cantone : Where'd that note go? And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats.

  [pause] 

  Mario Cantone : Isn't it terrific?