Simon Pegg: Nicholas Angel

Hot Fuzz

Nicholas Angel

DS Andy Wainwright: You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city.
DS Andy Cartwright: Everyone and their mums is packin' round here!
Nicholas Angel: Like who?
DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.
Nicholas Angel: Who else?
DS Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.

Danny Butterman: Where's the trolley boy?
Nicholas Angel: In the freezer.
Danny Butterman: Did you say "cool off?"
Nicholas Angel: No I didn't say anything...
Danny Butterman: Shame.
Nicholas Angel: Well, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
Danny Butterman: You're off the fuckin' chain!

[at the scene of Leslie Tiller's death]
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?
[Angel grimaces and drops money into the swear box]
Nicholas Angel: Leslie Tiller was FUCKING murdered!
DS Andy Cartwright: Just like Tim Messenger?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: George Merchant?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Cartwright: And Eve Draper?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower?
Nicholas Angel: No, actually.
DS Andy Cartwright: Really?
Nicholas Angel: [shouts] 'COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
[Danny drops a coin into the swear box]
Nicholas Angel: Thank you, Danny!

Danny Butterman: So what made you want to become a policeman?
Nicholas Angel: Officer.
Danny Butterman: What made you want to become a policeman-officer?
Nicholas Angel: I don't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer... apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode around in it every second I was awake - arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Danny Butterman: He sounds like a good bloke.
Nicholas Angel: Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
Danny Butterman: What a cunt...
Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never lost the profound sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the Law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. It was from that moment that I was destined to be a police officer.
Danny Butterman: Shame...
Nicholas Angel: How so?
Danny Butterman: I think you would have made a great Muppet...

Joyce Cooper: Fascist!
Nicholas Angel: I beg your pardon?
Joyce Cooper: [doing a crossword puzzle] System of government categorized by extreme dictatorship. Seven across.
Nicholas Angel: Oh, I see. It's "fascism."
Joyce Cooper: "Fascism"! Wonderful. Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you over there.
Nicholas Angel: Well, actually, I can probably make my own way up. Hag!
Joyce Cooper: I beg your pardon?
Nicholas Angel: Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, 12 down.
Joyce Cooper: [thinks about it] Oh... bless you!

[after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, Danny is waving a sachet of tomato ketchup]
Danny Butterman: Ta-daaa!
Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas Angel: It's Frank! He's appointed himself Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He's not Judge Judy, an Executioner.

P.I Staker: The swan's escaped?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas Angel: Right. And where has the swan escaped from exactly?
P.I Staker: Uh, the castle.
Nicholas Angel: Oh, yeah? And who might you be?
P.I Staker: Mr. Staker. Yeah, Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
Nicholas Angel: P.I. Staker?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas Angel: Right. "Piss Taker." Come on!
Nicholas Angel: [cut to Nicholas with Mr. Staker] Yes, Mr. Staker. Um, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it to me?
P.I Staker: Well, it's white, it has a long neck... uhh... it's a swan.

Simon Skinner: Lock me up.
Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry?
Simon Skinner: I'm a slasher! I must be stopped!
Nicholas Angel: You're a what?
Simon Skinner: A slasher... of prices! I'm Simon Skinner - I run the local supermarché. Drop in and see me sometime - my discounts are *criminal*. Catch me later!

[looking at a suspicious-looking passerby]
Nicholas Angel: All right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
Danny Butterman: He's fuck-ugly.
Nicholas Angel: Or, he doesn't want you to see his face.
Danny Butterman: 'Cause he's fuck-ugly.

Nicholas Angel: I may not be a man of God, Reverend, but I know right and I know wrong and I have the good grace to know which is which.
Reverend Philip Shooter: Oh, fuck off, grasshopper.
[Reverend Shooter pulls out a pair of derringers from his cassock]

[Danny and Nicholas have just watched 'Point Break']
Danny Butterman: What do you think?
Nicholas Angel: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny Butterman: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!