Jeff Anderson credited as playing...
Randal
- Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?
- Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?
- Randal Graves: Why?
- Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
- Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.
- Dante Hicks: Randal!
- Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
- Becky: Shut up, Elias!
- Randal Graves: I did not just call Dante a nigger, I just said that 'nigger' is a racial slur.
- Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!
- Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; *Those* are racial slurs! Porch monkey is not!
- Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
- Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
- Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
- Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
- Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
- Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?
- [in robot voice]
- Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
- Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
- Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
- Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
- Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
- Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
- Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
- [Randal stares]
- Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?
- [scoffs]
- Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
- Randal Graves: ...Sure.
- Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
- Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?
- Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
- Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
- Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.
- Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
- Elias: [shakes head] Women.
- Wife: I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger!
- Husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism!
- Randal Graves: What racism, "porch monkeys?"
- Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.
- Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.
- Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.
- Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?
- Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!
- Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.
- Dante Hicks: What's the matter with you?
- Randal Graves: What did I do now?
- Dante Hicks: There's a crippled guy who found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.
- Randal Graves: Sure, take his side.
- Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?
- Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
- Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?
- Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.
- Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.
- Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
- Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
- Randal Graves: Are you sure?
- Dante Hicks: Yup.
- Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
- Dante Hicks: Anne Frank's the little girl who hid from the Nazis in a secret room with her family; she wrote a diary.
- Randal Graves: Oh, yeah. Well, then I guess this guy is like Anne Frank with the diary and all.
- Dante Hicks: No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!
- Randal Graves: You always gotta be right, don't you? You Nazi douchebag.
- Dante Hicks: You're chaos incarnate, man. Our whole lives, you've been getting me into trouble and holding me back!
- Randal Graves: Oh, I'm holding you back, right? I remember like 10 years ago, the night we went to Julie Dwyer's funeral, you were all like "I need to shit or get off the pot!"
- Dante Hicks: YOU said 'shit or get off the pot', not me.
- Randal Graves: You got all fired up about taking charge of your life and what did you do? You worked at the store 'til the place burned down.
- Dante Hicks: I took courses that broke down!
- Randal Graves: And dropped out!
- Dante Hicks: Because you stopped going!
- Randal Graves: Because we were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batman?
- [Jay and Silent Bob smile at each other]
- Dante Hicks: At least, we were doing something instead of wasting our lives in some fucking convenience store!
- Randal Graves: You know what, you can bad mouth Quick Stop all you want, but I miss that place! I loved working there! I look back at that period as the best time of my life!
- Dante Hicks: [scoffs] Now I know you're fucking nuts.
- Randal Graves: Why? Because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend all day. Can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah, maybe it's not what everyone does, but it was pretty fucking good!
- Randal Graves: Why because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah maybe it wasn't what everyone does but it was pretty fucking good.
- Becky: Fuck, I had to take a fuckin' order off a guy I blew after Junior Prom, once.
- Randal Graves: Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too.
- Randal Graves: [Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell] Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.
- Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.
- Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite.
- [Silent Bob points and nods in agreement]
- Randal Graves: What do you think, Dante?
- Dante Hicks: [Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars] I think I'm gonna kill you!
- Jay: What up, steel cage match!
- Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!
- Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined!
- [shoves Dante away]
- Randal Graves: Jesus!
- Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?
- Randal Graves: It was your going away present!
- Dante Hicks: [sarcastic] Sure was! I never thought I'd be going away to prison!
- Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration. Hey!
- [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars]
- Sexy Stud: I miss my donkey.
- Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict
- Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!
- Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Ew!
- Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?
- Dante Hicks: [at Jay] Would you shut up?
- Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
- Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
- Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
- Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
- Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
- Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
- Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
- Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
- Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
- Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!
- Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again.
- Elias: Ewwwwww...
- Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
- Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
- Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.
- Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?
- Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
- Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
- Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
- Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.
- Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?
- Randal Graves: What?
- Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!
- Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.
- Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
- Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!
- Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
- Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
- Dante Hicks: You think?
- Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.
- Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
- Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
- [customers enter]
- Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
- [beat]
- Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.
- Randal Graves: Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne fucking Frank could see she's nuts about him too. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking chud of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.
- Randal Graves: [getting Gawking Guy's attention from watching Dante and Emma make out behind the counter] Avert your eyes, ya' perv!
- Gawking Guy: Not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.
- Randal Graves: Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third movie on the logical closure point, NOT the 25 endings that followed!
- Elias: What's the "logical closure point"?
- Hobbit Lover: Yeah, friend, enlighten us
- Randal Graves: When fuckin' Frido wakes up from his little comer, or whatever, and all the other hobbits are jumpin' on his bed.
- [squinting his eyes]
- Randal Graves: And then Sam leans in the doorway and gives him this very fucking gay look.
- Elias: Not The Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave The Rings out of this!
- Hobbit Lover: [getting angry] I'm gonna kick your ass back to The Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
- Randal Graves: That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now THAT would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
- Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot! They're not gay! They're hobbits!
- Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
- Hobbit Lover: I swear-
- [nauseous]
- Hobbit Lover: Fuck you!
- [barfs]
- Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
- Randal Graves: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.
- [Dante and Emma stare at him, waiting for him to leave]
- Randal Graves: Balls, too...
- Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.
- Randal Graves: [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy] Here's the first movie.
- [walks a few steps, staring blankly]
- Randal Graves: And here's the second movie.
- [walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]
- Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.
- Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?
- [walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]
- Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?
- Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.
- Dante Hicks: Like when?
- Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
- Dante Hicks: We're not that old.
- Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
- Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.
- Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!