Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Max : Thatcher's Britain.
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[repeated line]
Max : How Dare You!
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Max : I'm going to get in touch with Tina. She knows we're innocent, she knows the truth.
Paddy : Well you'd better do it quick. Its all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me is a valuable commodity in here you know.
Max : Its all right I've seen a pay phone and... What do mean its all right for me?
Paddy : When Paddy steps in those showers, them lads will think its Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool Donkey.
Max : Well what we've got to do, is make them lot think that me and you are a couple of hard nuts. Let them think we're a couple of big time gangsters. Come on chest out, chin up! We're doing a bit of bird as per! Me and you, Tango and Cash, Magnet and Steel! What do you say?
Paddy : I'm going to get bummed.
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Paddy : Chuck us some water flower.
Max : [hands Paddy a bottle of water] It wouldn't hurt you to show some manners after all they are free.
Paddy : [studying Bottle] Hang on what's this? Bottled in the mountains of Afganistan? I bet Osama's had a bath in this. Why do you keep buying all this cheap rubbish like 4p Beans and Al Queda water?
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Paddy : [approaches dancers] Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.
Dancing Girl 1 : I've got a mobile, dickhead!
Paddy : [Paddy moves onto next group] Ladies think of a number between one and ten.
Dancing Girl 2 : Eight.
Paddy : You lose, now take your tops off!
Dancing Girl 2 : Fuck off!
Paddy : [approaches another girl] Hey there, can you catch love?
Dancing Girl 3 : Why?
Paddy : Because there is a couple of balls coming your way.
[Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand]
Paddy : Dave is that you mate?
[Paddy quickly moves off]
Paddy : I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.
Max : You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.
Paddy : Where'd you learn that?
Max : Watching Trisha.
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Max : [remembering an old girlfriend] I almost threw her out for being Under age...
Paddy : Under age? How old was she you dirty dog?
Max : No, she was old enough it was just that she was, she was a kind of midget.
Paddy : Ain't that a Queen song?
Max : No you clown...
Paddy : You mean she was a dwarf?
Max : No she wasn't a dwarf, she was a midget.
Paddy : There's no difference...
Max : There is actually! Mr Politically Incorrect. Dwarfs for your information are in the circus and do cartwheels. Midgets are like normal people just shrunk down.
Paddy : Well you live and learn.
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Wolf-ster : You're not Patrick O'Shea?
Max : You know him?
Wolf-ster : Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy. Where's your calipers and your brace?
Paddy : Long time ago that.
Wolf-ster : He was worth more for scrap. You don't remember me do you? My sister you to babysit him. He were a right dirty little sod.
Max : Oh I?
Wolf-ster : We had to rush him to hospital one night, he'd only stuck Okay Wan Benobi up his arsehole, he was always at it...
Max : Obi Wan Kenobi...
Wolf-ster : Bootshakka...
Max : Chewbacca...
Wolf-ster : C3-D2...
Max : PO...
Wolf-ster : Star Trek mad he was.
Max : Star wars Wolf-Ster, Star Wars.
Paddy : Like I say long time ago that Wolfie.
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Paddy : [Max and Paddy are in prison] Look, you've got get me out of here. I can't take anymore more of that Millennium Prayer.
Max : I've already made a start, check the door. I did this last night when everyone was asleep.
[Lifts a poster on wall to reveal three scratch marks]
Paddy : What is that?
Max : Escape Tunnel.
[Paddy starts crying]
Max : Whoa, Whoa, Whoa come on man, get a grip you're coming apart.
Paddy : Where you tunneling to? The next cell?
Max : [Max exits cell and sees the mistake he's made] Oh shit!
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Bouncer : Empty your pockets please, sir
[Max empties pockets onto desk]
Bouncer : Afro comb!
Max : [turns to Paddy] You never know! You never know!
Bouncer : Pound-coin holder! Empty! One key attached to one keyring
[reads from keyring]
Bouncer : "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor"! Have you now?
[Max nods]
Bouncer : sign here please!
Max : [signs document] What do i do now?
Bouncer : just through there please, sir
[Max leaves making Paddy first in line]
Bouncer : Name?
Paddy : Patrick O'Shay!
Bouncer : Empty your pockets please, sir
[Paddy empties pockets onto desk]
Bouncer : one pornographic magazine, the Finger Club! One pack of condoms, ripped for the lady's pleasure. Flavour: Biscuit.
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Brian Potter : Here, I've got a cake here for you, Holy Mary made this.
Max : A Cake!
Brian Potter : Yeah, you know, a cake?
Max : I know what a cake is, what do we want a cake for?
Paddy : No, he means a cake. I know what you mean, you mean a "Cake", don't you?
Brian Potter : Yeah, that's right a "Cake".
[Brian winks]
Max : Oh a "Cake", you mean a "Cake". What's in this "Cake"?
[Max getting excited]
Brian Potter : Sponge and a bit of Jam. What do you want son? It's real life, this, not the frigging Shawshank Redemption. If you hadn't stolen a bus filled with kiddies, you wouldn't be in this mess!