Lewis Black: Black on Broadway (2004 TV Special)

Lewis Black: Self

Quotes 

• Lewis Black : We have a two party system: the Democratic party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican party, which is a party of bad ideas. And the way it works is, the Republican stands up in Congress and goes, "I got a really bad idea." And the Democrat says, "And I can make it shittier."

• Lewis Black : These guys believe that a 350 billion dollar tax cut will stimulate the economy, and they're full of shit. Because they don't know what stimulates the economy. The economy goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, nobody knows why the fuck it happens. And I know this, because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya... but I flunked that course. It's not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing that you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. After I flunked the first two tests, I grabbed the professor by the throat and I said, "Why are you teaching this shit at this ungodly hour? Are you *trying* to keep this stuff a secret?"

• Lewis Black : If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

• Lewis Black : Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME!

• Lewis Black : It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been UNGODLY, where the FUCK is global warming when you NEED IT!

• Lewis Black : It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!

• Lewis Black : I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

• Lewis Black : I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S COLD!

• Lewis Black : The most important part of travel, is when you come home. Because, that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we're - we're the only country that - that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we're the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious! And they know it's obnoxious. Because, if you were in an office, and there was someone there, who came in every day and said; "I'm the greatest fucker here! And you snivelling shits would die without me! AHAHAHAHA!" I can guarantee that by the end of the week, you'd have killed him! And eaten him, just to try to possess his power!

• [first lines] 

  Lewis Black : [audience is giving a standing ovation at the beginning and Lewis Black is trying to get them to sit back down]  That is way too much excitement. Son-of-a-bitch wh... I mean this is all fun for you guys, but I gotta fucking WORK here!

• Lewis Black : See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

• Lewis Black : And then the other CEOs would gather and they'd go, "Who's that?" "Who's that? That, my friends, is my very esteemed personal ball washer. What did you guys buy? Another car? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

• Lewis Black : I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.

• Lewis Black : I got to Italy. I'd never been there. It's extraordinary. If you've not gone, unbelievable. I didn't know this, but Jesus Christ is, whoo-hoo, he's big there. Everywhere I turn, there's Jesus, there's Jesus, there's Jesus, there's Jesus, there's Jesus. He is like the Coca-Cola of Italy.

• Lewis Black : There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say "soy juice", you actually start to gag.

• Lewis Black : Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

• Lewis Black : Then of course, there's Dennis Kozlowski. He took from his company 463 million dollars because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kiddin' me? He gets on the phone: I'd like all the corn in Iowa... 'Cause I'm having a ho-down.

• Lewis Black : You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

• Lewis Black : A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people... THREE people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? "Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!"

• Lewis Black : We have a health issue that still looms in front of us. It's extraordinary that it does, but the fact is, is there could still be a smallpox epidemic in this country. And the reason for that is, is that the vaccines that we were given, and I was told was gonna last forever, wore the fuck off. And they waited until a possible emergency condition to tell us. That's as if you went to a public bathroom, flushed the toilet and the water just hits you in the face. And as you left, on the door, as you're leaving, it said, "Danger: Water may hit you in the face." I can't believe it wore off, and they didn't tell us. Because that means my whole life has been a delusion. Because every day I'd wake up and I'd go, "It's gonna suck today... BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT GETTING SMALLPOX!"

• Lewis Black : And for all we study about health, we know nothing! Is milk good or bad?

  [pause, the audience is silent] 

  Lewis Black : I rest my case!

• Lewis Black : They think we're so stupid that on many bottles of spring water, they print the nutritional facts. The nutritional facts, of WATER! How dumb do they think we are? It's as if they believe that we fell asleep on a nuclear reactor, and our brains had melted, and we are now nothing more than meat with eyes. "I wonder how many calories are on water!" "Total fat." Total fuck fat in water. What that implies is that there's water with chunks of fat in it. And I gotta find that water, 'cause that's the tasty goddamn water! And if that weren't enough, they print next to the calories and the total fat, all of the zeroes that are there, they print the percent of our daily requirement. If they think we're that stupid, the labels on spring water should just be written in crayon with the "r" reversed, and a finger like this.

• Lewis Black : They say that New Zealand is beautiful, and I do not know. Because after twenty-two hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could've landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other. And I would have been thrilled to see them. And, I would have performed.

• Lewis Black : If you're a parent, hold onto your hats. The federal government is gonna give you $400 for each child you have. So if you've got a thousand kids, you're on fuckin' easy street. You might want to start adopting 50 at a time. Just pick some up off the street and take them home with you. $400. That's the... That's where you go, "what... what's the federal government thinking?" I mean what, what, what do, what do Congressmen's children eat? Mites? All $400 does is remind you how fucked you are! You'd have been better off if your congressman just came to your door and pissed on your foot. It's a dollar a day. One dollar a day. Um... do you know how to stretch that kind of money? Put your kid in a box and send him off to a Sally Struthers country where a dollar goes a long fuckin' way! And he can have all the dried milk he can choke down. And at the end of the year, you've got $35 left over so, at Christmas, you can give your kid two nice boxes of shit.

• Lewis Black : See, what I think you logically do with a 350, instead of having a $350 billion tax cut, what you do with that money is do a public works project. See, what that is, is you pay a lot of people to build something. And that way, you employ people who are unemployed, and then they get money, and then they spend it... and that stimulates the fuckin' economy, too! See, you pick a place that really needs something. You know, a state that could really use it, like Mississippi. Of course, Mississippi. Because that's the place that no one has ever thought, "Boy, I got a vacation! I need two weeks in Biloxi!" And you go down there and you find a place that's totally in the shitter. You won't have to go far. And what you do is build a big fuckin' thing. I dont' care what it is, as long as it's big, and it's a fuckin' thing! And then the economy will explode because people will say, "I gotta see the big fuckin' thing!" And then there'll be a Big Fuckin' Thing restaurant, and a Big Fuckin' Thing hotel and casino, and big fuckin' thing smog!