Desperate Housewives (2004–2012)
Marcia Cross: Bree Van De Kamp, Bree Hodge
Photos
Quotes
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Bree : I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
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Rex : Look at you... going out?
Bree : Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex : A date... what kind of date?
Bree : Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
[pause]
Bree : It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
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Bree : [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?
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Bree : [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
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Danielle Van De Kamp : Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree Van De Kamp : Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.
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Bree : The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.
Katherine Mayfair : Wait. I need to talk to you first.
Bree : [Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?
Katherine Mayfair : No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?
Bree : Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.
Katherine Mayfair : So?
Bree : So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.
Katherine Mayfair : That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.
[Tears welling in her eyes]
Katherine Mayfair : We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.
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Lynette : Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.
Bree : I've got millions of errands to run so...
Lynette : Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.
Bree : If it were any other day?
Lynette : Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.
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Bree : [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!
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Bree : [final words to Rex] You look magnificent.
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Bree : Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
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Bree : [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
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Bree : Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.
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George Williams : Where are you going Bree?
Bree : I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going.
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Bree : Yes, well, I have some bad news. Rex died.
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[Bree has told Dr. Goldfine that she's going to ignore all her problems with Rex and stay with him]
Dr. Goldfine : Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?
Bree : We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Dr. Goldfine : You'd settle for that - a life filled with repression and denial?
Bree : And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.
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Zach Young : Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree : [turning] For what?
Zach Young : Remembering my mother.
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[repeated line]
Bree : Oh, my heavenly days!
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Bree : You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain!