Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Geoff Ramsey: Grif, Pvt. Dexter Grif, Sgt. Dexter Grif, Geoff Ramsey
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Quotes
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[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif : OK. OK. On three.
Caboose : Here!
Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons : Ready?
Sheila : Acquiring targets.
Church : [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons : One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila : Target acquired.
Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons : Two...
Sheila : Target locked.
Simmons : Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons : Son of a bitch!
Grif : Son of a bitch!
Church : Son of a bitch!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker : [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
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Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons : Right, Sir.
Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons : I'm in, sir.
Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge : Yowza!
Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons : That's the one!
Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
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Grif : [*Grif starts his "eulogy" for the "dead" Sarge*] Hey everybody, it's great to be here! Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides "good riddance!"? Hoooo!
[*both he and his sister chuckle*]
Grif : Ha-ha. But seriously. Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You know what I'm talkin' about.
Sarge : Come on! Is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif : Quiet in the front row! And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
Simmons : Too soon!
Grif : Hey now.
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Grif : What about HD DVD?
Sarge : Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy, so it's being replaced with HHDDVVDDBVD.
Tucker : [speaking to Grif and Simmons about the jeep they are repairing] All my life I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on Earth' ha ha. Well that may be true, but lets see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ass pimped out ride Bitch!
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Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
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Grif : Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons : Umm...
Church : Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif : So you lost.
Church : Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.
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Grif : Thanks for watching, everybody! Now let's all go home and masturbate!
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[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church : [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge : Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church : [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge : [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif : We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons : I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne : Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut : Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!
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[during a Public Service Announcement asking NASA to stop sending Mars rovers to Blood Gulch]
Simmons : At least Grif figured out how to turn them into skateboards.
Grif : [Grif runs past the camera very fast] Whoohoo!
Simmons : Hey! Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
Grif : [Off camera] I'm gonna build a ramp! Who wants to help?
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Sister : [*Simmons has threatened to call Red Command to confirm that Grif and his sister have to run*] You keep talking about them! Why don't you call *our* guys?
Grif : "Our" guys?
Sister : Yeah! The Blue guys!
Simmons : Excuse me, the wazza-wha?
Sister : The Blue guys! The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!
Simmons : Grif?
Grif : Uh, yeah... this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind.
Simmons : WHAT?
Sister : I don't get it! What's the gray guy so upset about?
Simmons : But girls can't be colorblind!
Sister : Yeah? Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either! But guess what?
Grif : Yeah! Wait, what?
Simmons : I can't believe it! It was such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick, quick, get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!...
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[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
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Grif : So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
Sarge : Possibly.
Grif : And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
Sarge : Those are your words.
Grif : But that we can't know anything...
Sarge : I can't say.
Grif : Including who we're fighting...
Sarge : I have no comment for the subject.
Grif : Or if we're even fighting in it...
Sarge : Sarge: I plead the fifth.
Grif : Or when it even starts...
Sarge : I refer you to my previous statement.
Grif : But that it's going to be great.
Sarge : I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
Grif : ...well I'm totally stoked!
Simmons : Kickass!
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Grif : [Sarge has gone off to look for a levitation ray in order to get the crash-landed ship off of Donut*]
[sighs*]
Grif : Sarge just drove away with our Jack, didn't he?
Simmons : And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Church : [appearing behind them*] The fuck you guys doing out here? You're breaking the canyons!
Grif : Fuck off, Blue! The ship just crashed on one of our guys!
Church : What, this ship?
Simmons : [sarcastically*] No, another ship! Then that ship left and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church : Where'd it come from?
Grif : It's a spaceship. It came from *space*.
Church : [momentary pause*] ... Dibs.
Simmons : What?
Church : Dibs. I just called dibs. It's my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons : No it isn't, jackass! We found it first!
Church : Yeah, but you didn't call dibs; I did. Dibs. See?
Grif : You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!
Church : Heh, yes I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can.
Simmons : Don't call me "Tomato Can"!
Grif : Try and take it then!
Church : Um, okay... Sheila?
[Sheila suddenly appears behind Church*]
Sheila : You bet!
[points her turret at Simmons and Grif*]
Grif : Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?
Simmons : Yeah, kinda.
Sheila : Now step away from the ship, Tomato Can!
Grif : Ha ha, "Tomato Can"!
Sheila : You too, Lemon Head!
Grif : Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
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Donut : [searching in Ghost for Grif] Grif! Grif! Oh Griiiiif!
[he finds him]
Donut : Oh! Hi Grif! There you are!
Grif : [sighs]
Donut : I've been looking all over for you! I looked inside the base, I looked around the base, I looked on top of the base, I looked insided the base again...
Grif : I think you need to learn what "All over" means.
Donut : Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back and...
Grif : Forget it! I'm not coming back!
Donut : Why?
Grif : It's SARGE. I know he's not going to call me to help him eat ice cream! He's gonna make me do stuff. Work stuff.
Donut : But...
Grif : Look, Donut. I know you're riding high on your new promotion, but don't think you can boss me around. Me and Simmons, we had a system. He didn't tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore him.
Donut : You ignored him all the time!
Grif : I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening. See? The system works! Learn the system, Donut!
