Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Burnie Burns: Church, Pvt. Leonard L. Church, Lopez, Maine, Lopez The Heavy, Epsilon, V.I.C., Lopez the Heavy, Vic, Red Zealot, Agent Maine, Omega, Lorenzo, The Warthog, Leonard, Meta, Phil, Vic Jr., Blue Command, Robot Army, VIC, Agent Washington, Alpha, Burnie Burns, Host, Robot, Robot 1, Robot 3, Robot 4, Robot 7, Tex, The Meta
Photos
Quotes
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Church : Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.
-
Red Zealot : Everyone, everyone! Stop fighting! Look unto me. I possess the blue flag! I wield the power infinite. The universal maverick is mine to unravel. My every thought becomes a reality. Mountains will fall, seas will boil. Day will be as night. People will... run. Chicks will dig me. I'll get good grades... I'll get into a good college. Study abroad for a semester. You know, stuff like that. I'll get a job at a tech company... not a too technical job though. STOCK OPTIONS and a 401K! I will drive a foreign car and pay off my credit card bills! I will die with a full head of hair. My friends from high school will envy me... in ways they never imagined!
-
Tucker : [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church : Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker : I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker : I'm talkin' about women.
Church : I know, yes. I got it.
Tex : Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker : You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex : Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker : Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church : Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker : What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker : No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb : He says he's a healer.
Caboose : Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb : [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose : Just like chiropractors!
Tucker : This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church : What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose : Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb : What the hell does that make me?
Caboose : You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb : A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose : That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker : I'm gonna fuckin' die.
-
[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif : OK. OK. On three.
Caboose : Here!
Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons : Ready?
Sheila : Acquiring targets.
Church : [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons : One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila : Target acquired.
Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons : Two...
Sheila : Target locked.
Simmons : Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons : Son of a bitch!
Grif : Son of a bitch!
Church : Son of a bitch!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker : [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
-
Church : [watching red team through a sniper scope] Okay, so the red guy is Sarge, their leader, which is lucky for us, because he's not a very good leader.
Simmons : Yeah.
Church : And that's Donut. I like Donut. He's pretty harmless, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
Simmons : Plus he's kinda...
Church : What?
Simmons : Well... y' know...
Church : Actually, I don't know.
Simmons : Well, he's kinda into girly things. Like, feelings, and...
Church : I think you're projecting.
Simmons : I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
Church : I don't know. You seem pretty defensive for someone who's "not projecting".
Simmons : His armour is PINK.
Church : Pink? I wouldn't say pink. More of a... slightly less red.
Simmons : It's pink, okay? I know pink when I see it!
Church : I'm sure you do! You wanna talk about it?
Simmons : NO.
Church : And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons : You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church : No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons : What did they say?
Church : Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb, and stuff he liked was dumb, and he wasn't as attractive as other people.
Simmons : [trying not to cry]
[sniff]
Simmons : Sounds like a real jerk!
[runs off]
Church : Hey, where are you going?
Simmons : [sobbing] I have to go to the bathroom!
Church : Well, could you hurry it up? I need to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner!
-
Church : [after Tucker and Caboose imply that "someone" has put on weight] Are you guys talking about me?
Caboose : We, uh, we didn't want to say anything...
Tucker : Right. That's why we said something.
Tucker : [Beat] Fatty.
Church : Hey, back off, guys. I've been under alot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fuckin' team!
Tucker : Where did you carry us, to the buffet?
-
Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
-
Grif : Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons : Umm...
Church : Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif : So you lost.
Church : Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.
-
Church #2 : There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2 : Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church : [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2 : [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila : Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2 : Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila : Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2 : Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila : Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2 : Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila : Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2 : Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila : Affirmative.
Church #2 : All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila : Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2 : Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2 : I want the other thing.
Sheila : [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose : Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila : Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2 : Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila : This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2 : [left behind] Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila : I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2 : [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...
-
Tucker : Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church : I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker : No we didn't.
Church : Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker : Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church : I did?
Tucker : You gave me a catalogue with stuff circled in it.
Church : Huh, doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker : You set a budget for us, between 300 and 350.
Church : Oh well, I guess its just one of those things.
Tucker : Fuck you, I'm keeping it.
Church : Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving... Holy shit blue Santa.
Tucker : Where?
[He Looks and sees nothing. When he looks back for Church he is gone, along with the present]
Tucker : Aww crap.
-
[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church : [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge : Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church : [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge : [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif : We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons : I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne : Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut : Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!
-
Tucker : [Tucker meets his "baby" for the first time] Uh, what do I do?
Church : Why are you asking me?
Tucker : I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it.
Church : You *planned* this? Tucker, I had no idea...
Tucker : No, no, I mean I always wanted to have that ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for, like, 8 hours every other week and send checks to someone that I hate.
Caboose : It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church : All right, look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker : Hey, don't leave me here with him! What am I supposed to say?
Caboose : Ask him if he likes baseball!
Church : It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose : Ask him if he likes T-ball!
Church : *Alien*, Caboose. "Alien" was the keyword in that sentence.
Tucker : Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church : Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them! So... let's just start with that. Y'know, common ground.
Tucker : Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose : Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church : CABOOSE!
-
Church : [re-enters the Blue Base and hears some racket going on*] Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?
Frank DuFresne : Church, everything's fine. Basically, he's just resting.
Church : Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Frank DuFresne : That's not Tucker; that's our new arrival! He got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church : Tucker... *fed*... the baby? Gross.
Frank DuFresne : Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: it takes a village.
Church : How'd you get him to agree to that?
Frank DuFresne : It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Church : But he hates needles!
Frank DuFresne : No needles! It turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work!
Caboose : [arriving on the scene, looking very weak*] I feel dizzy!
Church : Uhm... is he gonna be okay?
Frank DuFresne : Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'll be crazy!
Caboose : [looking up at the ceiling*] Ooooooooo...
Frank DuFresne : Anyway, blood is pretty important. So Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness or nausea or sensitivity to light...
Caboose : I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
[falls to the ground*]
Frank DuFresne : Or passing out.
Caboose : Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...
-
Vic : Hey dude.
Church : Vic! Hey, it's Church.
Vic : This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the casita right now so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.
Church : Hey Vic, this is Church. I need ta...
Vics voicemail : You have reached the voice mail system.
Church : [sighs] Okay okay, come on.
Vics voicemail : To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church : I know how to leave a goddamned message.
Vics voicemail : When you are finished recording, just hang up, or push pound for more options.
Church : Really, "Hang up," no shit. I was just going to keep on talkin' until he decided to check his voicemail.
Vics voicemail : For delivery options, press five.
Church : [angrily] Just give me the damn beep!
Vics voicemail : To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.
Church : *COME ON*!
Vics voicemail : To repeat this message, press nine.
Church : [evenly] I will fucking stab you computer phone lady!
Vics voicemail : [some time later] To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church : [yelling] There is no eleven you *fucking WHORE*!
Frank DuFresne : Ooh, language.
Vics voicemail : [some more time later] To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church : I *hate you*!
Vics voicemail : [beep]
Church : Vic, it's Church. I need y...
Vics voicemail : I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.
Church : [frustrated] Uhchmmm... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
-
[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
-
Simmons : Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
Sarge : Weapons. They're gonna be great!
Church : Okay awesome, what are they?
Sarge : That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church : What's the proper clearance?
Sarge : Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
Church : Do I need to know?
Sarge : That's top secret!
Church : This sucks.
-
Church : What's the big scoop?
Sarge : That the campaign is going to be great, and, you're really, going, to, enjoy it. That, is all. Thank you for your time.
Church : Wait a second, that's it? That's the big announcement? That we're going to enjoy the new campaign?
Sarge : No, that you're really going to enjoy it. Oh, and the part about it being great.
-
Tucker : We're all getting lumps of coal for Christmas, aren't we?
Church : Fuck no! You know how much coal costs? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that kind of money on you. You're all getting lumps of smoal.
Tucker : What the heck is smoal?
Church : It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it it doesn't make any heat, it just makes smoke.
Tucker : What? How the hell does it burn without making any heat?
Church : How do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal!
-
Grif : [Sarge has gone off to look for a levitation ray in order to get the crash-landed ship off of Donut*]
[sighs*]
Grif : Sarge just drove away with our Jack, didn't he?
Simmons : And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Church : [appearing behind them*] The fuck you guys doing out here? You're breaking the canyons!
Grif : Fuck off, Blue! The ship just crashed on one of our guys!
Church : What, this ship?
Simmons : [sarcastically*] No, another ship! Then that ship left and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church : Where'd it come from?
Grif : It's a spaceship. It came from *space*.
Church : [momentary pause*] ... Dibs.
Simmons : What?
Church : Dibs. I just called dibs. It's my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons : No it isn't, jackass! We found it first!
Church : Yeah, but you didn't call dibs; I did. Dibs. See?
Grif : You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!
Church : Heh, yes I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can.
Simmons : Don't call me "Tomato Can"!
Grif : Try and take it then!
Church : Um, okay... Sheila?
[Sheila suddenly appears behind Church*]
Sheila : You bet!
[points her turret at Simmons and Grif*]
Grif : Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?
Simmons : Yeah, kinda.
Sheila : Now step away from the ship, Tomato Can!
Grif : Ha ha, "Tomato Can"!
Sheila : You too, Lemon Head!
Grif : Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
-
Church : Boo Yah Mother fucker.
-
[repeated line]
Church : Caboose! Nooooo!
