Michael Caine credited as playing...
Robert Spritzel
- Dave Spritz: We both just think it's better for the kids.
- Robert Spritzel: David, sacrifice is... to get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.
- Dave Spritz: I know that, Dad, but I think that if we continue down this road, it's gonna be too detrimental for the kids. It's just too hard.
- Robert Spritzel: Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.
- Robert Spritzel: This shit life... we must chuck some things. We must chuck them... in this shit life. There's always looking after.
- Robert Spritzel: I read your book.
- Dave Spritz: Fuck. I was gonna do, some more work on it, then I chucked it.
- Robert Spritzel: You chucked it?
- Dave Spritz: Garbage.
- Robert Spritzel: I-it's just what I do, David, I've practiced and I've gotten good. Like you and the weather business.
- Dave Spritz: But I don't predict it. Nobody does, 'cause i-it's just wind. It's wind. It blows all over the place! What the fuck!
- Russ: Dave, step back right now.
- Dave Spritz: Fuck you right now.
- Russ: Fuck you, Spritz.
- Dave Spritz: Fuck you, fat asshole! Dildo!
- Robert Spritzel: David, what are you doing?
- Dave Spritz: I'm talking to my wife! I'm talking to Noreen, and this clown whose business this isn't.
- Russ: You call me a dildo, it is my business, Spritz.
- Dave Spritz: You *are* a dildo, pork fuck. You porker!
- Dave Spritz: Why are you here, anyway?
- Robert Spritzel: I came to talk to Noreen about an issue concerning Shelly.
- Dave Spritz: Well, you can talk to me. I'm her parent, too. So? What?
- Robert Spritzel: Shelly dresses in clothing not appropriate for her... clinging stuff.
- Dave Spritz: All kids wear... Dad, it's a different generation.
- Robert Spritzel: They call her cameltoe.
- Dave Spritz: What?
- Robert Spritzel: Are you aware of that?
- Dave Spritz: What?
- Robert Spritzel: That her colleagues call her cameltoe.
- Dave Spritz: What are you talking about?
- Robert Spritzel: It means the crease in her vagina that they can discern through her clothing.
- Dave Spritz: What?
- Robert Spritzel: Cameltoe.
- Robert Spritzel: What happened to you?
- Dave Spritz: I got hit with a Frosty.
- Robert Spritzel: Why did you get hit with a Frosty?
- Robert Spritzel: What is a Frosty?
- Dave Spritz: It's a shake. From Wendy's.
- Robert Spritzel: Why did you get hit with a shake?
- Robert Spritz: What is this sucking and chucking and jacking of fucking up, son? He's 15 years old! What is this shit?
- Robert Spritzel: Where's the paper, David?
- Dave Spritz: I didn't have enough money.
- Robert Spritzel: You bought a coffee...
- Dave Spritz: [mishearing] What?
- Robert Spritzel: You bought a coffee.
- Dave Spritz: Yeah, that, and then I didn't have enough money after.
- Robert Spritzel: What?
- Dave Spritz: I didn't have enough money after I bought the coffee, so...
- Robert Spritzel: [slightly annoyed] You should carry more than a dollar, David. You're a grown man!
- Robert Spritzel: [Robert Spritz drives up] Weatherman!
- [Dave prepares to be hit with food]
- Dave Spritz: [Dave gets in his father's car] Hey.
- Robert Spritzel: Hi.
- Dave Spritz: Are you all right?
- Robert Spritzel: Yeah. Umm, I just wanted you to...
- Dave Spritz: What?
- [Robert Spritz begins playing Bob Seger's "Like a Rock"]
- Robert Spritzel: I don't really get it. Am I following it?
- Dave Spritz: It was just a lead-up to other things I wanted to say. Here's the part.
- ["... And I held firm to what I felt was right, like a rock..."]
- Dave Spritz: I wanted to talk about that part... about you. That's like you.
- [pauses]
- Dave Spritz: I got the job.
- Robert Spritzel: New York?
- [Dave Spritz nods his head yes]
- Robert Spritzel: That's terrific. That's a remarkable income. That's more money than I ever made, that salary.
- Dave Spritz: Yeah.
- Robert Spritzel: That's quite an American accomplishment.
- Dave Spritz: Thanks.
- Robert Spritzel: Are you OK?
- Dave Spritz: I can't knuckle down. Noreen's marrying Russ.
- Dave Spritz: There's nothing to knuckle down on, so... I can't fucking knuckle down.
- Robert Spritzel: Your hand...
- Dave Spritz: I just saw Mike's counselor.
- Robert Spritzel: Mike mentioned that you were gonna fix this business up. He's in no trouble?
- [Dave shakes his head no]
- Robert Spritzel: Good job. Your hand OK?
- Dave Spritz: It's OK.
- Robert Spritzel: You certain?
- Dave Spritz: Don't worry.
- Lauren: How's Shelly?
- Dave Spritz: She's doing great.
- Lauren: Little angel!
- Dave Spritz: Yeah, she doing great...
- Robert Spritzel: [comes downstairs] Who's an angel?
- Lauren: Shelly...
- Robert Spritzel: Shelly is grossly overweight and unhappy. I'm concerned about her, as I am Michael. David?
- Dave Spritz: Yeah, Dad...