Will Ferrell: Phil Weston

Fußballfieber - Elfmeter für Daddy

Phil Weston

Phil Weston: You're my assistant. Okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I tell you. Now go get me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell! While you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employees: My name is Andy.
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him]
Phil Weston: GET HIM OFF ME!
[someone pulls kid off]
Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!

Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

Phil Weston: Ambrose
Ambrose: Yeah?
Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
Phil Weston: LIAR!

Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
[indicating Phil's smaller sedan]
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing]
Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka house]
Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar]
Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil]
Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!

Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...
Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!
[laughter from the party guests]
Buck Weston: Yeah.
Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
[more laughter]
Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
[applause]

Phil Weston: All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!

Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]

Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] Now this is gonna be the hardest, most difficult thing you ever attempted in your entire life. But you know what, when it's over...
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! My God, you're going to be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?
Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-caff!
[to Sam]
Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]
Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!