- Latrell Spencer: Oh, the deception. The betrayal. Man, you deceived me.
- Marcus Copeland: Look, man...
- Latrell Spencer: Negro, please. Didn't anyone tell you that this was an all-white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.
- Kevin Copeland: [chasing and tackling Purse Snatcher] Gimme that.
- Purse Snatcher: Jesus, lady! All this for just a handbag?
- Kevin Copeland: It's not "just" a handbag. It's Prada!
- Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
- Megan Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um... we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
- [laughs]
- Marcus Copeland: A klept-ho-maniac!
- [laughs]
- Megan Vandergeld: [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
- Marcus Copeland: [indignantly]
- [as Tiffany Wilson]
- Marcus Copeland: What?
- [the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
- Heather Vandergeld: Well, yeah? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
- [blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
- Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like... She's so...
- [to Megan]
- Heather Vandergeld: Megan, you go!
- Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
- Marcus Copeland: Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you and your "1980 pick-up lines," climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big old monkey chest, and then jump off? Excuse me.
- [gives dog to hotel clerk]
- Marcus Copeland: Take good care of him. Oh, and teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell". 'Kay?
- Lisa: I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
- Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.
- Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.
- [shouts]
- Lisa: Whoo.
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson]
- [Brittany comes the dressing room with an outfit]
- Kevin Copeland: How about this?
- Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch, that's so terrible!
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I'm going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
- Lisa: [Sobbing] OK! OK!
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!
- Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
- Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
- [Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
- Kevin Copeland: Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
- Marcus Copeland: [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
- Agent Jake Harper: Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
- Kevin Copeland: ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
- Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
- Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a B.F.!
- Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
- Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
- Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
- Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
- Kevin Copeland: [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
- Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland: Yes.
- Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
- Agent Jake Harper: [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
- Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
- Kevin Copeland: [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.
- Kevin Copeland: Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
- Kevin Copeland: What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!
- ["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]
- Megan Vandergeld: [realizing her father's hostage kidnapping plot, and he is the kidnapper] Daddy! Why are you doing this?
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson, but in his regular voice] Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke!
- Heather Vandergeld: [confused] What do you mean "broke"? Like, Martha Stewart "broke"? Or MC Hammer "broke"?
- Warren Vandergeld: MC Hammer broke!
- Megan Vandergeld, Heather Vandergeld: [the Vandergelds wail and cry] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Agent Vincent Gomez: So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing? Kevin or Marcus?
- Agent Jake Harper: Gomez, l told you. l was looking for DNA...
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Oh, yeah.
- Agent Jake Harper: What are you laughing at, ''Denzel''? ''Oh, what a beautiful chocolate man!'' hahahaha
- Section Chief Elliott Gordon: You guys got some work to do?
- Tiffany Wilson: [Tiffany is reading the Hamptons newspaper and sees a picture of them in the paper] Oh my God! Brittany?
- Brittany Wilson: What?
- Tiffany Wilson: [shows Brittany the picture] We're on page 6!
- Brittany Wilson: No!
- Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
- Brittany Wilson: No!
- Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
- Brittany Wilson: NO!
- Tiffany Wilson: Yeah! Look!
- [shows her the article]
- Tiffany Wilson: "Wilson Sisters Rock Hamptons"!
- Brittany Wilson: [both girls gasp and erupt into screams] Wilsons rock! We rock!
- Tiffany Wilson: [squealing] Yes!
- Brittany Wilson: [realising that they weren't actually at the Hamptons, but were in the hotel room in New York the entire time] Wait... We weren't *in* the Hamptons this weekend!
- Brittany Wilson, Tiffany Wilson: [gasping]
- [in unison]
- Brittany Wilson, Tiffany Wilson: Oh no!
- [looking at the screen]
- Brittany Wilson, Tiffany Wilson: We've been cloned!
- Marcus Copeland: [Marcus emerges from the boot of the car, covered in the Wilson Sisters' luggage] Man! You guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend!
- Brittany Wilson: [scoffs] This isn't *a* weekend!
- Tiffany Wilson: It's *the* weekend!
- Brittany Wilson: Labor Day in The Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Like, only the hottest people are going to be there.
- Tiffany Wilson: And only the hottest of the *hottest* are going make it onto the cover of "Hamptons Magazine"! And this is *our* year!
- Brittany Wilson: [squeals] Yay!
- [to Kevin, driving the car]
- Brittany Wilson: Uh, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze.
- [Kevin opens the window]
- Brittany Wilson: I just hope the Vandergeld Sisters' private jet *crashes* on the way there!
- Tiffany Wilson: [shocked] Oh, my God, Brittany!
- Brittany Wilson: [to Tiffany] You were thinking it!
- Tiffany Wilson: [to Brittany] I know, but you *said* it!
- Brittany Wilson: I know, I know!
- Tiffany Wilson: And you, know, Heather totally *hates* you because you slept with her boyfriend.
- Brittany Wilson: Oh, my God! So what? I sleep with *everyone's* boyfriend!
- [dressed as Tiffany Wilson, Marcus and the girls lay peacefully on a sunny beach]
- Tori: I am so glad I got waxed today.
- Karen: Ugh, me too. What did you get?
- Tori: The Bald Eagle.
- Karen: I got the Bermuda Triangle.
- Lisa: The Landing Strip.
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I got the Buckwheat.
- Karen: Eww, that's sick.
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Ahh, what a beautiful sunny day!
- [shadow falls over body]
- Marcus Copeland: Oh my God, what happened to the sun? Ahh!
- Latrell Spencer: Easy white chocolate, I wouldn't want you to melt.
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Yeah, hasta la vista Schwarzenegro. Okay, bye.
- Kevin Copeland: [the Wilson Sisters get off the private jet and walk over to the arrival terminal, toward Kevin and Marcus] Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland...
- Tiffany Wilson: [rolling her eyes at them] We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
- Brittany Wilson: Yeah!
- [They continue walking]
- Kevin Copeland, Marcus Copeland: [in unison] Excuse us. Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold on, hold on!
- Kevin Copeland: Hold on!
- [explaining to them their actual task]
- Kevin Copeland: We're actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
- Tiffany Wilson: Oh!
- [hands them their bags]
- Tiffany Wilson: The bags are on the plane.
- Brittany Wilson: [gives Marcus her dog carrier, with their dog, Baby] Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn't have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!
- [Baby, the dog, yaps]
- Karen: Oh my god, you guys. Heath is here. What should I do?
- Tori: Karen, I don't understand what you see in him. He's an out-of-work actor living in a share house. And he drives a 3 Series BMW.
- Karen: Tori, I really think that you need to cut Heath a little bit of slack. His aunt died three years ago and he really needs new headshots. He's just going through a really rough time right now. Okay?
- Megan Vandergeld: These starving kids in Africa make me so sad. They don't even have to try to be skinny!
- Karen: You spend all day trying to the perfect outfit. You even change your hairstyle just so he'll take a second look. But they never notice. Sometimes l just wish that they could trade places with us... so that they would know how it feels.
- [disguised as Brittany Wilson, Kevin meets Denise]
- Kevin Copeland: Hi, my name is...
- Denise Porter: Brittany Wilson, of course.
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Yeah. How'd you know. Brittany Wilson. Yeah.
- Denise Porter: Well, it's my job to know. Your publicist, Tori, has been calling me nonstop about setting up an interview.
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] If I would've known you were so beautiful, I probably would've called you myself.
- Denise Porter: Well, if I wasn't mistaken, I'd think you were flirting with me, Miss Wilson.
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Me? Flirting with you? A girl? Never!
- [hits Denise]
- Kevin Copeland: Sorry, honey. Only beef.
- Denise Porter: Boy, you're really strong, aren't you?
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] It's from all that protein.
- [hits Denise again]
- Denise Porter: [finishing her report] I'm Denise Porter. Good night.
- Kevin Copeland: [approaching to Denise] Denise, hi. I'm Kevin Copeland. I'm an FBI agent. I make $30,000 a year after taxes. I don't drive a Bentley, I don't have a house on the hill, but I'd really like to take you out.
- Denise Porter: Are you kidding me? Any man who would jump in front of a bullet for me... can definitely take me on a date.
- Denise Porter: [telling her story to Kevin/Latrell] So, no. I jump over the fence, fall. I scrape my knee...
- Kevin Copeland: Get outta here.
- Denise Porter: No, seriously, listen. I scrape my knee. I get chased by the cops and I spend the night in jail.
- Kevin Copeland: That's insane. You did all that just to find J-Lo and Ben's hideaway?
- Denise Porter: I can't help it. You know, investigative journalism is my passion.
- Kevin Copeland: So how'd you end up writing puff pieces for the local news.
- Denise Porter: Unfortunately, I made some enemies, and ended up getting fired from my last job.
- Kevin Copeland: What happened?
- Denise Porter: Believe me, you don't want to know about that.
- Kevin Copeland: Look, I spent all night talking about myself. Sometimes it's good for a man to just sit back and listen.
- Denise Porter: Well, since you put it that way. I did this piece on Warren Vandergeld. Him and his partners tried to swindle a guy.
- Kevin Copeland: You talking about Ted Burton?
- Denise Porter: Yeah, how did you know that?
- Kevin Copeland: It was in the paper. I read about it.
- Denise Porter: But what they didn't report in the paper, was that Burton was 10 times smarter than all of them. He embezzled millions and stashed it in an offshore account. When Vandergeld heard the story was going to break, he didn't want to be embarrassed. Well, there goes my job. You know, you're a good listener. It seems like you have the whole package.
- [Last lines]
- Marcus Copeland: Hey girls!
- Karen: Hi.
- Tori: So you guys were pretending to be them all the time?
- Kevin Copeland: Yes, we were, but we was just doing our job. I just hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us.
- Karen: We're so bummed! We liked Brittany and Tiffany like... so much more when you were them.
- [laughing]
- Karen: So much more!
- Lisa: So I guess this means we won't be hanging out anymore.
- Kevin Copeland: Aw, don't say that. Of course, we will. We'll hang out.
- Marcus Copeland: Yeah, we're all gonna get together and we're gonna go...
- Marcus Copeland, Karen, Tori, Kevin Copeland, Lisa: SHOPPING!
- Marcus Copeland: Hey, baby.
- Gina Copeland: Don't "hey baby" me. I can't believe you have me sitting here all night worried about you.
- Marcus Copeland: All night? Baby, it's only 8:00. Look, after work, me and Kevin went down to the bar and had a couple of drinks.
- Gina Copeland: I know. I called the bar. They said you left at 7:45. I checked MapQuest. It only takes 6 minutes to get there from here. So, if you got somebody one the side, Marcus, you need to tell me.
- Marcus Copeland: Baby, listen to what you just say. MapQuest said it takes 6 minutes to get here. I got here in 8. Which means there's 2 minutes unaccounted for. If I was cheating on you, don't you think I'd need more than 2 minutes?
- [Gina gives Marcus a dirty look]
- Marcus Copeland: You know what? I ain't going to deal with this. I'm tired, okay? I had a long day at work. I got shot at.
- Gina Copeland: See, that is exactly what I'm talking about. We don't communicate.
- Marcus Copeland: Okay, fine. You wanna communicate.
- Gina Copeland: Yes.
- Marcus Copeland: Come on. Let's communicate. Okay?
- Gina Copeland: Okay. Let's start with last week.
- Marcus Copeland: Last week.
- Gina Copeland: You and I were supposed to go shopping together. We get to the mall. I buy this beautiful dress, I get my hair done. You don't say anything. I don't know, maybe you just want to...
- [Marcus falls asleep]
- Gina Copeland: Marcus! Did you here me just now?
- Marcus Copeland: Mm-hmm.
- Gina Copeland: Tell me what I said.
- Marcus Copeland: I heard everything. You was communicating.
- Gina Copeland: Marcus, don't play with me right now. I am not in the mood. I cannot believe you came home late and then you start... Marcus! You are falling asleep again. I am talking to you.
- [Marcus falls asleep again]
- Marcus Copeland: I wasn't asleep, baby, I was closing my eyes and visualing your words.
- Gina Copeland: Oh, really? Visualizing? Well, why don't you pant me a picture of what I just said.
- Marcus Copeland: Hold on.
- Gina Copeland: Mm-mm. You know why? Because you are falling asleep again. Marcus! Marcus!
- Karen: Way to get us sat at the losers' table. I thought you had it all hooked up.
- Tori: Excuse me. I do have a hook-up. Don't blame me. Blame Little Miss Def Jam over here, who had to go Yo' mama on the Vandergelds. We could have be finished in this town.
- Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Someone had to stand up to those guys.
- Lisa: They're the it girls. That's the way it's always been.
- Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Whatever.
- Warren Vandergeld: They bought it. The FBI is packing up. They'll be out of our hair in a couple hours. We could make the grab tonight. You sure you and your friend can get the job done?
- Heath: Would I let you down, Mr. V?