Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Val Kilmer: Gay Perry

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Perry : My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

  Harry : A picture of me?

  Perry : No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

• Perry : [talking over the phone]  We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?

  Harry : [over the phone]  Excuse me?

  Perry : Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.

  Harry : Okay, any particular kind of gloves?

  Perry : [sarcastically]  Yes, fawn. Will you fucking hurry!

  Harry : Perry?

  Perry : Yeah?

  Harry : I peed on it.

  Perry : What? You peed on what?

  Harry : I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, I.D. from that?

  Perry : I'm sorry, you peed on...?

  Harry : On the corpse. My question is...

  Perry : No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?

  Harry : I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!

• Perry : Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.

  Harry : Bad.

  Perry : Excuse me?

  Harry : Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...

  Perry : What, fuckhead? Who taught you grammar? Badly's an adverb. Get out. Vanish.

• Harry : Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?"

  [Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette] 

  Harry : Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that.

  [Spins the chamber and points the gun] 

  Harry : Where is the girl?

  [Shoots the guy in the head] 

  Perry : [Stuttering at first]  What did you just do?

  Harry : [Confused]  I just put in one bullet, didn't I?

  Perry : You put a live round in that gun?

  Harry : Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.

  Perry : Eight? Who taught you math!

• Harry : Do you think I'm stupid?

  Perry : I don't think you'd know where to put food at, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.

• Harry : [referring to his nickname "Gay Perry"]  Still gay?

  Perry : Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.

• Perry : How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

  Harry : Ah, sometimes, like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

  Perry : Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

• Harry : What is it out here with these women?

  Harmony : Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.

  Harry : Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular...

  Harry : [putting a cigarette in his mouth]  ... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I *bet* you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.

  Harmony : Denmark.

  Harry : [closing his cigarette lighter]  That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here!

  Harry : [continuing]  I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and *shook* it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

  Harmony : OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!

  [all the girls in the club raise their hands] 

  Perry : See that? Obedient little bitches too.

  [girl screams "Fuck you!" and throws a glass, which he dodges] 

• Perry : You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.

• Harry : Is she dead?

  Perry : No, she's just resting her eyes for a minute. Of course she's fucking dead, her neck's broken.

• Perry : He called her a... well, a bad word.

  [pause] 

  Perry : Cunt.

• Perry : [to the audience]  Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much.

• Harry : She had something, that gal tonight, this quality. You know, like the girl from high school, the one that got away that - you know what I mean? - that haunts you still.

  Perry : Yeah, I had that.

  Harry : You did?

  Perry : Bobby Mills.

  Harry : Eugh. Hunh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch with him. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.

  Perry : Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says pass the pepper. I got two quarters sing harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont".

  Harry : What?

  Harry : Talking money.

  Harry : A talking monkey?

  Perry : A talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "ficus".

• Harry : Is she a looker?

  Perry : She opens the door, and she got nothing on but the radio. Yeah, invites me to sit down, sits on my lap, fires up a spliff.

  Harry : Geez. Really?

  Perry : No. Idiot.

• Perry : I want you to picture a bullet in your head. Can you do that for me?

• Perry : Merry Christmas, sorry I fucked you over.

  Harry : No problem. Don't quit your gay job.

• Perry : Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

• Harry : Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?

  Perry : Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.

  Harry : Because...

  Perry : Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.

• Perry : Okay, you've got 30 of my fucking seconds. Thrill me.

• Perry : Don't blame yourself. Listen. sometimes these things just happen.

  Harry : For a reason. For a reason? Why? Because I fall off a building, 10 people in Baltimore survive a bus crash? Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.

  Perry : I've been to Baltimore. You win.

• Perry : [Calling Harmony after escaping torture with Harry]  Hey, Harmony, it's me.

  Harmony : Oh, God, how did you get away?

  Perry : I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.

• Harmony's Dad : Do I know you?

  Perry : No. Just in town for the funeral.

  Harmony's Dad : What do you want?

  Perry : Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.

  Harmony's Dad : Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!

  Perry : No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

  Harmony's Dad : Who are you? I loved my girl.

  [Perry backhands him] 

  Harmony's Dad : You fucker! If I could get out of this bed...

  Perry : Yeah? Well, you can't.

  [Perry backhands him again] 

  Harmony's Dad : You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.

  Perry : Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.

• Perry : Rule number one: this business, real life, it's boring. Do you have to smoke?

  Harry : You want me to put it out?

  Perry : Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.

• Perry : What are you doing?

  Harry : I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave people with a message.

  Perry : Oh, I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.

  Harry : Sorry.

  [Harry moves his feet] 

  Harry : I work for Perry now, obviously.

  Perry : [Perry places his hand over Harry's mouth]  And stop narrating.

• Harry : So the whole... reconcilement... thing?

  Perry : Reconciliation, idiot.

• Perry : How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

  Harry : Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

  Perry : Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

• Perry : I'd understand if you wanted to take a swing at me...

  Perry : [Harry lands a quick punch to Perry's chin]  You fuck!

• Perry : Rule number 1...

  Harry : Yeah.

  Perry : This business. Real life, boring.

• Harry : Hey, hey, hey! It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?

  Perry : Your fucking present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.

• Perry : You, stop multiplying.

• Perry : Do you have to smoke?

  Harry : Do you want me to put it out, when we get near the...?

  Perry : Yeah, as soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs. Just throw it in there.

• Perry : [on the phone]  What do you mean they gave her back?

• Perry : Do not play detective. This is not a book. This is not a movie.

• Perry : You think that's funny huh? I'm going to break your nose now.

  [nonchalantly pistol whips the guy in the nose] 

• Harry : She slept with Chook Chutney!

  Perry : Wait, "Chook Chutney"? Yeah he's gay.

• Perry : I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?

  Dexter Clinic Guard : Screw you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.

  Perry : Ambiguous? No, I don't think so.

  Harry : No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head", okay, is that the bullet will BE inside your head? Or picture it IN your head?

  Perry : [annoyed]  Harry, will you shut up?