Dax Shepard credited as playing...
Tom Marshall
- Jerry Conlaine: Well I was a boyscout. Tom, you were a boyscout, weren't you?
- Tom Marshall: No, but I ate a brownie once.
- Del Knox: I spent the best years of my life sittin' on the porch, playin' the harmonica, waitin' for somethin' better. And the years have been goin' by faster, and faster, and then, all of a sudden, I was an old man.
- Tom Marshall: Well I bet you can play the shit outta that harmonica!
- Del Knox: That I can. 'Cept there's no one around to hear me play it. Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it - all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you're never gonna get it back.
- Tom Marshall: Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood? Jer, is that you?
- [Jerry waves, embarrassed]
- Tom Marshall: Are you with Dan? Where'd you guys park?
- Jerry Conlaine: TOM!
- Dan Mott: I'm out.
- Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?
- Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
- Dan Mott: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.
- Tom Marshall: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone... he liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And... hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.
- Jerry Conlaine: Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.
- Tom Marshall: Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!
- Dan Mott: Hey, that sounds like Creed.
- Tom Marshall: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.
- Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.
- Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
- Tom Marshall: [as a bear sniffs around Dan] Stay calm. Get in the fetal position. It won't bother you if you're in the fetal position.
- [the bear roars]
- Tom Marshall: Abort the fetal position! It's not working!
- Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?
- Tom Marshall: I about shit.
- Dan Mott: I did shit.
- Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!
- Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit?
- Dan Mott: [while falling off the waterfall]
- [all together shout]
- Dan Mott: Oh, shit!
- Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire...
- Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?
- Tom Marshall: No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
- Dan Mott: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold.
- Tom Marshall: [after catching a fish] You owe me a hundred grand AND the left nut!
- Dan Mott: I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia.
- Jerry Conlaine: You're exaggerating again.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.
- Jerry Conlaine: So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark.
- Dan Mott: I'm afraid of small spaces.
- Jerry Conlaine: Again, not that abnormal.
- Dan Mott: Cellophane.
- Tom Marshall: Like Saran Wrap?
- Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, you're alone on that one.
- Dan Mott: I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that?
- Tom Marshall: Very.
- Tom Marshall: So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?
- Jerry Conlaine: No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall
- Tom Marshall: So you don't have it?
- Tom Marshall: [whilst high on marijuana, in a Pakistani accent] I will give you four cows for Denise's hand in marriage!
- Jerry Conlaine: Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?
- Tom Marshall: No! I lied about that too!
- Tom Marshall: [urging dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.
- Jerry Conlaine: That's what she said.