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- Gordon: Hey, Honey!
- [his wife gives the "L" sign]
- Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.
- Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...
- Peter La Fleur: No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
- Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
- Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
- Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
- Justin: What?
- [Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]
- Patches O'Houlihan: [unrated version] Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
- Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
- Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
- Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
- Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
- Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
- Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
- Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
- Lance Armstrong: Could I get a bottle of water. - - Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
- Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
- Lance Armstrong: Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
- Peter La Fleur: Really?
- Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
- Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
- Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?
- Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
- Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
- Patches O'Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
- Dwight: [as Kate kisses Joyce] I told you she was a lesbian.
- Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.
- Kate Veatch: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
- Peter La Fleur: You're not?
- Kate Veatch: No. I'm bisexual.
- [kisses Peter]
- Dwight: Oh! Snap!
- Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
- White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought that I was once.
- Amber: Justin! I love you!
- Justin: I love you t...
- White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chachi!
- Patches O'Houlihan: If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
- Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?
- Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...
- Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
- Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
- Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
- Peter La Fleur: Sad? You want to know what's sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
- Peter La Fleur: You need some help leaving White?
- White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.
- Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
- White Goodman: I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
- [Reaches up to caress her]
- Kate Veatch: [Judo-grabs White Goodman and slams his face into the wall, leaving a streak of makeup] You don't get to touch me, ever!
- Peter La Fleur: Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
- White Goodman: Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
- Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
- White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
- White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
- Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
- White Goodman: I know you just said that.
- Peter La Fleur: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- White Goodman: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
- Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
- White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to *you*.
- Peter La Fleur: All right.
- White Goodman: ...Touché.
- Casino Worker: [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
- Peter La Fleur: Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
- White Goodman: [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
- Peter La Fleur: Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
- Owen: $50,000?
- Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
- Peter La Fleur: [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!
- Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
- Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
- [Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]
- Kate Veatch: What? Eight years of softball.
- Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- Peter La Fleur: She is *not* a lesbian.
- Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is, that dyke can play!
- Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
- Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!
- Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!
- Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
- Steve the Pirate: The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.
- Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
- Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
- White Goodman: We should mate.
- Kate Veatch: What?
- White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
- [Kate retches, then forces it down]
- White Goodman: Are you okay?
- Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
- White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
- Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...
- White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
- Peter La Fleur: That was one night.
- White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
- Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
- White Goodman: It was also a man!
- White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
- Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- White Goodman: That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
- Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
- Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
- [Average Joe's Team cheering]
- Peter La Fleur: I'm your new boss, White.
- White Goodman: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
- Peter La Fleur: You're fired, pal.
- Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
- Justin: Yeah. Why?
- Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.
- Patches O'Houlihan: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
- White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
- Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
- White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
- Peter La Fleur: Uh, White?
- White Goodman: Yeah?
- Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.
- Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
- Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
- Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
- White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
- White Goodman: Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that's the problem with... the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boots out for size.
- Kate Veatch: [outside Kate's house] White? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
- White Goodman: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.
- Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
- White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
- Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
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