Monsturd (2003 Video)
Rick Popko: Deputy Rick
Quotes
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Deputy Rick : It's gonna be okay, just tell us what happened.
Daughter : A giant number two killed my Daddy.
Deputy Dan : 'Kay, so a number two... like a number two puppet? Like on the TVTubbies? With the little gay guy?
Deputy Rick : Was it a big puppet? Was it a big number two puppet?
Daughter : No! It was a doo-doo!
Deputy Rick : A doo-doo?
Daughter : Yes, it was a big doo-doo, it was the biggest doo-doo in the world!
Deputy Dan : So the biggest doo-doo in the world came and took your Daddy away?
Deputy Rick : How big was this doo-doo?
Daughter : It was bigger than you!
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Deputy Rick : [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet] Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?
Sheriff Duncan : So who's this fella?
Deputy Rick : This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.
Deputy Dan : Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!
Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie] You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!
Deputy Dan : Ha, little punk.
Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie] You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!
[Talking normally]
Deputy Rick : What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?
[Talking through Donnie]
Deputy Rick : Yeah! I got rights, man!
[Talking normally]
Deputy Rick : Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!
[Talking through Donnie]
Deputy Rick : I want a lawyer!
[Talking normally]
Deputy Rick : You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?
[slams Donnie against the wall]
Deputy Rick : What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...
[slams Donnie against the wall again]
Deputy Rick : Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?
[slams Donnie on the desk]
Deputy Rick : Goddamn piece of shit! You...
[starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly]
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Female Marshal : Freeze, Schmidt!
Deputy Rick : Hands in the air!
Jack Schmidt : Eat shit, piggy!
[marshal fires her pistol]
Jack Schmidt : You shot me, you bitch!
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Deputy Rick : Whoa whoa whoa, there's some shit down here.
Female Marshal : We're in a sewer, brainiac.
Deputy Rick : No no no, I'm not talking about shit-shit, I'm talking about green, steamy, slimey shit.
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Agent Hannigan : Did you question Mrs. Keller about her husband's whereabouts in the last 24 hours?
Deputy Rick : Hell no! We just wanted to get the hell out of there.
Deputy Dan : We just thought we should mention the Jack Schmidt thing as soon as possible.
Deputy Rick : Dan got pictures of 'em!
Deputy Dan : Can't wait to see the look on my wife's face when she develops THAT roll!
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Deputy Rick : How can a turd kill someone?
Deputy Dan : I dunno, Rick. That's a pretty weird question.